going through stuff

today i chewed my last piece of ethiopian gum.
well- it was just trident peppermint- but it was from ethiopia- from our hotel gift shop- 40 birr.  and it brought me back.  i found it going through an armoire that held many old bags- and inside the canvas purse with the red and blue seahorses on it- was the gum, and my ethiopian room key, and my lip balm and the address of the guy on the plane who gave me my first money for our uganda move - making it seem real- way back last october.

today, i had to divide things into three piles- bring it to uganda, give away/sell, save in limited storage with parents.  zoe was tasked with being a "dj" and going through our cd's so we could choose what to keep in that department.  i was looking at my marc jacobs black leather bag that i use all the time, and this sassy red patent leather hand bag, and a cole hahn one i bought last summer and i'm thinking- am i going to use these in uganda?  and if not- should i hold onto them?  what will they look like in 5 years? and i'm realizing how much i have and how much i don't need and how much i won't use- really.

so i'm sitting on the floor of the hall, listening to norah jones with zoe, and i find judes asian silk diaper bag.  that thing was with me through all of those early doctors appointments, all those MRIs, all those tests, all that waiting.  that scent of the bag and a lavender sachet i'd put in it so long ago.  and i'm sitting on the floor holding it, the smell bringing me right back, surrounded by my piles, with zoe beside me and i just got teary.

"this is hard zo." i said, "letting go of this stuff."
"i know mommy- do you understand how i feel now? having to get rid of my things?"
"yes."

yesterday, i was home with my boys- zoe out with my mom.  it was a nice break, but i missed her.  yesterday i went for a run- early enough that it wasn't hot and early enough that i ran out of thanks, not frustration. and yesterday, my boys got to meet their new friend from africa- an american living in uganda, back here for summer break.  he will be their neighbor- their commute partner to school each day and jude's classmate.  and i had some time with his mom, my friend, abby.  i had time to ask about logistics - like whether or not i need rain boots or fleeces or plastic baggies.  and i had some time to just sit with someone i'll spend a lot of time sitting with over the next few years.  we got to talk about books and mothering and how we spend our time and about our identities and what will be surprisingly hard and what might not be in this move.  and it was a complete gift- almost like a dream- when you are visited by a vision of your future that answers your questions- that gives guidance- that brings a piece of comfort- and that is what yesterday was.  a respite.  a break from the 'todo list', a moment of the meaningful 'stuff'.

the day before i had brought my clothes into a consignment store- and this was kind of funny and kind of humbling.  it is a high end consignment store- designer- high end cool- not business attire- funky high end.  so it was funny to get so many things rejected.
"sorry, we don't take 'old navy'"
"now... how old is this piece?"
me, "umm, i dunno, ummm (oh yeah i bought that before i had jude) i guess 6 years?"
her, "yeah, we don't take stuff older than 5 years."
"this is missing a button and this purse isn't in the best condition."

what was funny was after all my hemming and hawing about parting with these items, they were now rejected!

meanwhile i had zoe with me.  and she was having a hay day with the other woman who'd arrived to sell her jewelry wears.  this woman was young and beautiful and had tried on a mermaid-esque gown which she was planning on purchasing and zoe was talking her ear off.  i was hearing snippets like,
"so i was born with non-verbal-learning-disorder. it's kind of like aspergers or autism- do you know what those are?"   blah blah blah.  and then "i have really good hearing." blah blah.  "do you want to know how i remember things?"  and this woman had her undivided attention.

so i'd finished with my part- left 18 worthy pieces for sale, and was about to leave with my 30 consignment failures, when my phone rings and it was work.  i finished my call and returned to zoe who was now decked out in this woman's jewelry - yes the stuff she was selling.  two necklaces and a ring- all really nice.

"come on zo- lets put that stuff back and go."

"no!" says the beautiful mermaid lady-"zoe has made my day! she is so interesting- she reminds me of me when i was eleven!  i want her to keep those pieces of jewelry."

really?  again? what is it with her? she must have some magic spell that she casts on people.  but what was so great was that the interaction totally regulated zoe.  she went from mildly irritable and agitated to happy and calm and using language like.,  "oh no worries mom!  it's fine!  we're friends!"

a story of zoe in her glory again.  i've got to remember this- find her interested, patient adult and all will be well!  meanwhile i promptly wore one of those beautiful necklaces- looks like we all scored a goal.

so today i put two of my leather bags in the 'needs more time to decide' pile that i'd desperately created, and put the red patent leather bag and jude's old baby bag into the 'goodwill' pile.  but i took one small piece of that asian silk fabric from the inside of the bag and i took the lavender sachet-  because i don't need the stuff, but i do need the memories.