somewhere there is a lesson in here. but i can't find it yet.
today started with a glorious half an hour with zoe. she floated downstairs dressed and pleasant, ate her breakfast and gave everyone good morning hugs. i was pretty psyched. off to a good start. but, as soon as it was time to do school, we were back in sticky-land. i was trying really hard to keep my zen- to not let her funk affect me. i didn't want to yell. after she finished her copy work, i needed a break. i decided it was going to be one of those slow days- i decided not to push against resistance. one of the things you learn in medical residency when you're putting a line in someone (any kind of a catheter into a vein or artery) is not to push against resistance. you pull back, re-angle and gently try again. when placing a catheter if you push into resistance, bad things can happen. same with zoe- it can backfire-so i let it go.
a few hours later, she'd placed all 50 of her stuffed animals and dolls in the hall, as if they were having a meeting. i told her if she wanted to watch a video, she'd need to clean them up. i even outlined what that would entail. when i returned from an errand she was watching a video, so i went to check the hall. she had done it, but by dumping it all on her bed. i told her to go back upstairs and finish the job. well.... you'd have thought i'd asked her to clean the entire house with a toothbrush. it was ridiculous.
i'm sitting there, trying to understand, how the wind of her spirit can turn so quickly, how we can start somewhere peaceful and end up with her screaming like a baby. and i'm left feeling like someone has taken a vacuum to my insides- hollowed me out- i am empty. trying to keep my emotional distance- but finding myself sucked into her vortex.
then i got an email. actually it was a facebook message from someone i went to college with. someone who i did 'lavida' with (see post- http://bestillandknowkw.blogspot.com/2010/06/be-here-now.html) lavida is an outward-bound-ish trip. 10 days of hiking in the white mountains of new york and the trip ends with a 10 mile run.
she wrote to thank me for encouraging her on that last part of our venture- our 10 mile run. it took me a minute to place her- to go back 20 years and remember. but i did remember. i remember that she had an amazing attitude and great determination- but at that time in her life- she was not a runner. i wasn't either- well not a long distance one. but for some reason running with her and focusing on 'helping' her along- gave me the perfect distraction from my own pain- and enabled me to finish the 10 miles too. she wrote that since then she's gone on to run 4 half marathons and a triathlon. she is now, a runner. she said that my persistence, and faith in her, impacted her well beyond the 10 miles. she thanked me for being a light in her life so many years ago.
how often you get a note like that? i mean it felt like i was showing up at my own funeral. it reminded me of so much more than that trip and that run down a mountain. it reminded me again of the interconnectedness of our lives- how we impact each other and don't even know it. it also reminded me again of the little things, the little moments in life, of our words, those that can plant themselves deep in us and sprout beauty or root down deep and choke us years later. it reminded me of reciprocity. she was thankful to me, but i was so thankful to her- because together we got down that mountain- we each brought something different- she needed encouragement, i needed someone else to focus on.
it also reminded me of the importance of patience and determination, of the possibility of change. of the unexpectedness and surprise of life. it made me wonder how different her life would have been if she hadn't finished the 10 miles- would it be different? maybe not- but my day would be different with out her return words of encouragement today.
i think the lesson is - life just is- so run it and see where it takes you.
it will surprise us- sometimes in good ways, sometimes in not so good ways.
it's monotonous much of the time.
but, we are building cathedrals- the things we do can have lasting impact.
so, i shouldn't be so bothered by the quickly changing winds of her mood- or the raining coolness of a day i wish were sunny. i need to remember not to push against the resistance in life- accept what is- run through it- and encourage someone else on the way.
and let the grace rain down.
today started with a glorious half an hour with zoe. she floated downstairs dressed and pleasant, ate her breakfast and gave everyone good morning hugs. i was pretty psyched. off to a good start. but, as soon as it was time to do school, we were back in sticky-land. i was trying really hard to keep my zen- to not let her funk affect me. i didn't want to yell. after she finished her copy work, i needed a break. i decided it was going to be one of those slow days- i decided not to push against resistance. one of the things you learn in medical residency when you're putting a line in someone (any kind of a catheter into a vein or artery) is not to push against resistance. you pull back, re-angle and gently try again. when placing a catheter if you push into resistance, bad things can happen. same with zoe- it can backfire-so i let it go.
a few hours later, she'd placed all 50 of her stuffed animals and dolls in the hall, as if they were having a meeting. i told her if she wanted to watch a video, she'd need to clean them up. i even outlined what that would entail. when i returned from an errand she was watching a video, so i went to check the hall. she had done it, but by dumping it all on her bed. i told her to go back upstairs and finish the job. well.... you'd have thought i'd asked her to clean the entire house with a toothbrush. it was ridiculous.
i'm sitting there, trying to understand, how the wind of her spirit can turn so quickly, how we can start somewhere peaceful and end up with her screaming like a baby. and i'm left feeling like someone has taken a vacuum to my insides- hollowed me out- i am empty. trying to keep my emotional distance- but finding myself sucked into her vortex.
then i got an email. actually it was a facebook message from someone i went to college with. someone who i did 'lavida' with (see post- http://bestillandknowkw.blogspot.com/2010/06/be-here-now.html) lavida is an outward-bound-ish trip. 10 days of hiking in the white mountains of new york and the trip ends with a 10 mile run.
she wrote to thank me for encouraging her on that last part of our venture- our 10 mile run. it took me a minute to place her- to go back 20 years and remember. but i did remember. i remember that she had an amazing attitude and great determination- but at that time in her life- she was not a runner. i wasn't either- well not a long distance one. but for some reason running with her and focusing on 'helping' her along- gave me the perfect distraction from my own pain- and enabled me to finish the 10 miles too. she wrote that since then she's gone on to run 4 half marathons and a triathlon. she is now, a runner. she said that my persistence, and faith in her, impacted her well beyond the 10 miles. she thanked me for being a light in her life so many years ago.
how often you get a note like that? i mean it felt like i was showing up at my own funeral. it reminded me of so much more than that trip and that run down a mountain. it reminded me again of the interconnectedness of our lives- how we impact each other and don't even know it. it also reminded me again of the little things, the little moments in life, of our words, those that can plant themselves deep in us and sprout beauty or root down deep and choke us years later. it reminded me of reciprocity. she was thankful to me, but i was so thankful to her- because together we got down that mountain- we each brought something different- she needed encouragement, i needed someone else to focus on.
it also reminded me of the importance of patience and determination, of the possibility of change. of the unexpectedness and surprise of life. it made me wonder how different her life would have been if she hadn't finished the 10 miles- would it be different? maybe not- but my day would be different with out her return words of encouragement today.
i think the lesson is - life just is- so run it and see where it takes you.
it will surprise us- sometimes in good ways, sometimes in not so good ways.
it's monotonous much of the time.
but, we are building cathedrals- the things we do can have lasting impact.
so, i shouldn't be so bothered by the quickly changing winds of her mood- or the raining coolness of a day i wish were sunny. i need to remember not to push against the resistance in life- accept what is- run through it- and encourage someone else on the way.
and let the grace rain down.
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