good morning- i guess. i really struggle with the rain. it attaches to me and i can't get away from it. it follows me around and around and i rain down on everyone else.
'Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud'
patty griffin
i think it's also because i'm just done with being without mike. really. i miss him so much. for the first week i was in the mode of getting the one parent routine down- getting super organized- to maintain our lives. lunches ready the night before, coffee on the automatic timer- dishes done before we eat- toothpaste on the brushes before breakfast is done. but after a while- i let my guard down- and i allow myself to think about my life with out him and how awful it would be- in my heart. because after a while i've proven that i can physically handle it- even the yard work- even lugging those giant trash cans up the driveway hill- even getting everyone everywhere they need to be and paying some bills- and getting the house ready to show in 30 minutes- and finishing up some basic painting. and right around that time that i know i can do it, i realize how much i don't want to do it alone- and not just alone- but without mike, that man who's gently held my heart for 22 years. and i remember that it's not just hard to take care of three kids alone- what's especially hard is taking care of three kids when you're only half here. and that is how it feels. incomplete.
i watched 'out of africa' the other night. that's when it started for me, when africa became real. 1985- when 'banana republic' was about safari clothes and had a hand-drawn catalog, when 'live-aid' happened and suddenly the US was looking at africa- and my eyes were opened a little bit more- to world and her needs- and to the beauty and mystery of a far away place.
as a movie i loved the music- and the images- it's ability to transport us to 20th century colonial kenya- and it's romance. but i've struggled with the characters. denys finchhatten seems selfish in his desire to be totally free- and not tied down- not "owned" like karen's crystal and limoge. karen seems to crave and need stability, routine in the chaos, partnership in life, a guarantee. she began to care for bror because she hoped he could offer that. after her first night with him in africa- he leaves without a goodbye- and she is told that he'll be back when it rains. 'will it rain today?' she asks. ' it can be many days before the rains.' and when it does- she meets him out on the path- in the rain- 'i want you to come home now'. ultimately his wandering and infidelity cost her her heath- her ability to bear a child- and she is left- with her farm- and her unwanted freedom. her life is hard- especially her life in love. denys cares for her- but cares for himself more- for his separateness- a contrast she ultimately can't live with- and again, she is alone.
we're left with the question: if you love someone do you set them free? or if you love someone do you allow yourself to be committed- to be perhaps less free?
if i've found anything in last 22 years- it's both. there is freedom in boundaries- more than in roaming. and yet, in the safety of commitment, you need to allow each other to be set free. to support each other in the search for evolving identity, to know when the other needs to 'roam', to trust their process, to trust their return, to look forward to the newness that come in that. to be gentle, to do no harm to the other. that was my trip to ethiopia- such a needed time- for me- without the kids- even without him- and i came home more whole. and that is his trip now- to be in uganda with out us- to see it with different eyes- with just his eyes. and to walk the streets of amsterdam- alone. to not have the noise of his life for a few days. noise that he loves- but now with a new ability to remember how much he loves it.
so i will wait for him- in the rain. and tomorrow we'll be together again- with that newness embracing the old connection- enjoying together the joys of the freedom in the commitment.
'Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud'
patty griffin
i think it's also because i'm just done with being without mike. really. i miss him so much. for the first week i was in the mode of getting the one parent routine down- getting super organized- to maintain our lives. lunches ready the night before, coffee on the automatic timer- dishes done before we eat- toothpaste on the brushes before breakfast is done. but after a while- i let my guard down- and i allow myself to think about my life with out him and how awful it would be- in my heart. because after a while i've proven that i can physically handle it- even the yard work- even lugging those giant trash cans up the driveway hill- even getting everyone everywhere they need to be and paying some bills- and getting the house ready to show in 30 minutes- and finishing up some basic painting. and right around that time that i know i can do it, i realize how much i don't want to do it alone- and not just alone- but without mike, that man who's gently held my heart for 22 years. and i remember that it's not just hard to take care of three kids alone- what's especially hard is taking care of three kids when you're only half here. and that is how it feels. incomplete.
i watched 'out of africa' the other night. that's when it started for me, when africa became real. 1985- when 'banana republic' was about safari clothes and had a hand-drawn catalog, when 'live-aid' happened and suddenly the US was looking at africa- and my eyes were opened a little bit more- to world and her needs- and to the beauty and mystery of a far away place.
as a movie i loved the music- and the images- it's ability to transport us to 20th century colonial kenya- and it's romance. but i've struggled with the characters. denys finchhatten seems selfish in his desire to be totally free- and not tied down- not "owned" like karen's crystal and limoge. karen seems to crave and need stability, routine in the chaos, partnership in life, a guarantee. she began to care for bror because she hoped he could offer that. after her first night with him in africa- he leaves without a goodbye- and she is told that he'll be back when it rains. 'will it rain today?' she asks. ' it can be many days before the rains.' and when it does- she meets him out on the path- in the rain- 'i want you to come home now'. ultimately his wandering and infidelity cost her her heath- her ability to bear a child- and she is left- with her farm- and her unwanted freedom. her life is hard- especially her life in love. denys cares for her- but cares for himself more- for his separateness- a contrast she ultimately can't live with- and again, she is alone.
we're left with the question: if you love someone do you set them free? or if you love someone do you allow yourself to be committed- to be perhaps less free?
if i've found anything in last 22 years- it's both. there is freedom in boundaries- more than in roaming. and yet, in the safety of commitment, you need to allow each other to be set free. to support each other in the search for evolving identity, to know when the other needs to 'roam', to trust their process, to trust their return, to look forward to the newness that come in that. to be gentle, to do no harm to the other. that was my trip to ethiopia- such a needed time- for me- without the kids- even without him- and i came home more whole. and that is his trip now- to be in uganda with out us- to see it with different eyes- with just his eyes. and to walk the streets of amsterdam- alone. to not have the noise of his life for a few days. noise that he loves- but now with a new ability to remember how much he loves it.
so i will wait for him- in the rain. and tomorrow we'll be together again- with that newness embracing the old connection- enjoying together the joys of the freedom in the commitment.
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