one year

it's the blogs first birthday today- i still hate the word blog.  there are so many other better sounding words- bliss, blue, splendid, sky- actually most words.  but that's ok.

last year i started to write because i needed to.  it started on a day when i felt pushed over the edge.  the day that zoe ate those 3 earthworms that she'd dug out of our backyard. and i finally felt the drama and the humor of our lives in such a way that i couldn't not say something, to someone.  so i jumped in.  and it has been birth-like. because giving birth is a creative experience- perhaps the ultimate creative experience.  out of your body comes another life.  there is mystery and unknown and getting to know and it's the beginning.

last night i was at my book club.  i really shouldn't call it my book club- because it was the first one i'd made it to all year and i only made it 1/3 of the way through the book we were reading- which was olive kitterege.  we talked about how all the characters you meet in the book exist in attempt to define olive- and then you never see them again- there is no wrap up. most of the characters live sad lives- they've had trauma- they are damaged- most of the marriages break up or are marked by infidelity- there is little redemption.  olive remains a hard, heavy woman- married to a man she's not really that in love with- who seems to fear her and love her but perhaps out of a sense of 'ought' or nostalgia.  olives process seems to be that she gains insight into herself- see's what others really thought of her.   most people in the group (who actually read it) didn't love it- didn't feel connected to the characters- and were troubled by all the sorrow. 

i like books and films where there is redemption- or growth, progress, or transformation. i also like when the characters are woven together and you see how they've affected each other- when you see their relationships influence their development.

driving to work today i was thinking that we never really know or stop to appreciate the impact we can have on one another.  those little things like holding the door for someone - or paying the toll for the person behind you on the highway- random acts of kindness.  we never know where people are at a given moment- and how one look, one smile, one extra word of thanks- can be a defining moment for someone else.  the guy on the over-crowded bus in costa rica whose arm rested on mine for a few stops-that 'accidental', nothing, event at a time when i was alone in another country, longing for the presence of another, made me feel hopeful- less alone.

and i wonder if the answers to our prayers aren't even for us- maybe they're for someone 4 steps removed - who needed to see a miracle or not even, who just needed the outcome of what ever resulted from our answer.  there is a magical interconnectedness to our lives.  there are no accidents. maybe the people we sit next to on the plane or meet for a few days or randomly bump into- are little opportunities- to influence each others lives.  and i wonder how many of them are missed opportunities. 

 zoe doesn't miss them- she's like a magnet for them.  she lives in the moment.  she pays attention to people at the cost of almost all else. she's never in a hurry.  and in this, she gives and gives and gives again.

a year ago i started writing to get some of the mess out of my head- to share some stories that isolated me, with the hope that others would feel less alone with their messes.  and in this birthing of something new i have come to see my life, all of it, in a different light- a brighter, more hopeful light.  and i have come to see zoe differently, as one who can teach me as i teach her.  i'm beginning. i'm moving into acceptance of certain things- and i'm accepting continued dependence-
to be still and know.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.