blessings

sunny and cold- too cold, but i'll not complain because of the sun. it just smiles down and things are better - no matter what.  the sun gives options- it differentiates- there is brightness and shade and in between- there is dimension. there is hope in there- in those parts. and when the wind blows- the light moves on the leaves and things change and you realize that life changes, nothing is static- even when your heart can't feel it- the light can remind you, and the wiggling leaves, and you can see the possibilities that on a closed gray sky day, you might not.  so i'm thankful.

mike is home.  i'm thankful.  he's refreshed.  i'm thankful. i'm not yet, but i will be.

zoe has had a weird few days-which i'm going to chalk up to the change in mike's going and returning.  once she'd adjusted to him being away (about 2 days into it) she did great.  i mean- last week was great. i also had taken her off gluten.  this should be a post in itself.  i, at risk of offending, have hated this whole gluten- casein free autism spectrum thing.  i have probably hated it because it seems like one more thing to do- or one more thing to feel guilty about not doing.  someone's words hang the air and ring in my ears- 'oh- you'll try it someday- trust me'.  yeah right.  not me.  not us.  whatever.  then two thanksgivings ago- i did- for a week- and that was it.  i'd convinced myself that i'd done it- and now could resume life with bread and feel OK.

then we did brain balance- which i also thought was hokey- and it really helped. we took her off casein.  it really helped too.  so i noticed that when she eats bacon and eggs instead of pasta she does better.  i decided to do it, again, fo' reals. and it's not that bad- it's not that hard- and i seriously think it helps.  i'll admit it.  i'm not proud.  anything that helps her process her world better- is good.  hokey or not.

but just when i'd become a believer in the GFCF diet plan- she had a bad sunday, the day mike was coming home, and a bad monday.  this was really discouraging.

but... there were two good things.  first of all- i was reminded of how far she's come- how bad it used to be- and so i could be thankful.  secondly - i saw how quickly she can now turn it around- and i saw her ability to now reflect on her behavior, to think through the reasons why and to apologize in a real way- not the ' i'm sooorrryy mom!!' but the really apologetic sorry.

then today- she was great. i mean great.  she sat for 45 minutes and completed putting together an esher puzzle- with out a moment of frustration- with out a blink of sticky.  this is actually remarkable for three reasons.

one: this child is visually spatially challenged. she can barely do a regular puzzle let alone a visually confusing one.

two:  it was a set up for frustration- a really hard thing for her to do- me flying around her freaking out about getting the house clean for our realtor's caravan, me vacuuming around her- literally- and she just kept going.

three: she just kept going.  this girl- gives up at the slightest whiff of failure- this girl gives up when the going gets anything but easy- this girl has very limited focus.  this girl sat and focused and did something super hard for her for 45 minutes!  i was so proud of her! but better yet- she was so proud of herself. 

mike is almost home from work- like opening a present- we get to go out tonight.  we're excited like teenagers because absence makes the heart grow fonder.

while he was away- i got to feel the love, but from others.  friends came over.  friends brought dinner.  friends called to check in.  friends helped me with zoe at church on sunday during some major stickiness.

so i feel so blessed- for where we are, for the growth that comes from where we've been- even in the shadowy spots- those dark, lightless, cold spots, and for where we're going.

blanketed in grace.  and so, so thankful.