looking up

yesterday i had coffee with zoe's math tutor.  but this woman is so much more than zoe's math tutor.  she is a teacher of life and a friend.  she is a neighbor, even though i don't live near her.  she has perspective and wisdom and she focuses on the big picture.  yesterday, she reminded me of that.  she gave me permission to do that in teaching zoe.  to let go of the little rules, the check marks, and to look up at the sky.

she has known zoe for three years.  she knows how she learns.  what her buttons are.  what upsets her and what drives her. and she knows me.  that i am not a trained grade school educator, not a special education teacher, and that i'm way out of my league in the realm of teaching zoe.  but, she's also a big fan.  an encourager of this attempt at helping zoe by homeschooling.  and i think yesterday, she wanted to remind me of that.  to support this crazy notion that: stopping work (well, almost) and spending hours muddling around in the darkness to try to understand my daughter and how she learns and then teach her, is actually a good idea.

and then she gave me an assignment.  she told me to write down what my goals are for my children.  as a unit.  what is it that i want my children to understand in life, do in life- to be in life.  not by gender, or even by personality or by apparent skill or difference- but just as people.  then she said, when you are stuck with zoe, on math, or writing or anything else, go to your list of goals and see if what you're upset about, what she's stuck on, is related to those goals, and if it's not- let it go.  the 30,000 foot view.

i want my children to know that they are loved by God and because of that, they have inherent value and worth.  i want them to know and give love to others.  i want them to know God and to search for his/her purpose for them in life. i want them to make good choices.  choices that will keep them alive and healthy for a long time. choices that won't bind them.  that when sorrow comes their way they will choose faith, and grow; not anger and retreat.  that they will find deep joy and not just search for the next thing to make them happy.  i want them to know that no matter what they choose to do with their lives, no matter how much them mess up, they are loved- there is redemption-beauty can be born out of pain-they have something to give.

most of what we're "studying" isn't directly related to these goals.  but how we study it is.  the environment that i create or encourage affects her sense of value and worth. it contributes to her feeling loved or not, it models this love, or doesn't.  how i approach the day, the learning, the joy or the stress of it, is more important than the work itself.  this is true for all the kids- the boys who go to school too. it's how i make breakfast and how i ask them to get dressed. it's how much i laugh and how much i smile and how much i don't yell.

the problem is that sometimes the overwhelm of the learning, of the schedule, of what we didn't get accomplished, gets right in the way of living and teaching the real goals. it brings on the yelling and takes away from the laughing.  so her advice was so needed- but more- it was so freeing.  take off the self imposed pressure - and align with the right goals- find your days in the big picture.  look up. see the night sky and the moving clouds and let go.  she told me to follow zoe's lead more- peel away the little agenda and replace it with the big agenda.  un-school more.  sometimes you need someone else to give you permission to move in the direction you think you should but fear might be wrong.

so barbara, i thank you. again. of course it's easier to write this out, then it is to do it.  but- bit by bit- and it starts by remembering to look up.