after all my angst, and all my self-pity, zoe did great yesterday.
i got the full report from my friend. she sledded with the other girls for about an hour, and then they played inside. there was no drama. there was no stickiness. at the end of the time two of the girls wanted to walk to the park and sled more- my friend knew this would be too far and too much for zo- so she told her she could stay and play at the house until i came to get her. this could have/ often would have- been a perfect melt down opportunity. but she just said she was disappointed and went to play with lily's new harry potter lego kit.
when she came home- i asked her how her afternoon was. i'm thinking "fabulous! i played with the girls, we had fun, i didn't get upset- it was great!". and i got, "i'm really jealous that lily has a harry potter lego kit and i don't!" in a really whinny voice as she stomped her feet.
and this is where, once again, i talk before thinking. i said, "really?!? that is your take home of the day? i heard you did great! and that you had fun! and that you weren't sticky- and all you have to say is that your jealous about some legos?"
i didn't stop to think that probably- she was absolutely exhausted because of how good her afternoon was, because it takes her so much energy to follow along- to not be anxious- to not be overwhelmed- to stay with the conversation- and to manage her body on really icy hills and sidewalks when her vestibular system sends her different messages, and when it's really cold and she's wet and her sensory system is on overdrive. that for her- it's running a social marathon. that not melting down about being left behind when the other girls went on to the park- was huge for her- and took a lot of work.
she said, "well, i didn't tell lily i was jealous, i didn't get upset, i saved it until now."
therein lies the greatness. the progress. the growth.
because it's not about being 'cured' of her ways of thinking- it's about learning how to respond to her thoughts and emotions- about when to reign it in, and when it's safe to let it out. it's about knowing that even if you feel upset that you can't go to the park- that your portion of the playdate is over, and you channel it into being jealous about some legos; that it would be weird to say that out loud. and she got that- she did it.
i was so proud of her. i said "high five for that good choice!" she said "no, i'm not doing well right now". i told her what a big deal it was that she is not victimized by her sticky thoughts. that she is learning to choose how manage her feelings- when to share them, when not to- that home is safe- she can go to that place of letting it out with us- that we get her.
it still trips me up that she doesn't know how to take a compliment- that she minimizes her successes. and that she doesn't seem to feel the joy she should feel when she triumphs socially. it could be a sign of her oblivion. that she just doesn't really care that much. that maybe she really does care more about legos than relationships. but i don't think so. i think it's because she's a perfectionist- in all ways. and she knows even though she didn't get sticky or upset-it probably doesn't classify as social triumph. she knows she's different and she didn't feel connected with those girls. or maybe she did, but she was disappointed in not going to the park with them and it was channeled into jealousy. i don't know.
what i do know is that peace doesn't come from no sticky thoughts. peace doesn't come from no meltdowns in public- although i often fool myself into thinking that. peace comes from being OK with what happens- whatever it is. peace comes from the stillness. and just as she is learning to make choices about how to manage her behavior, i'm learning to make choices about being still.
today my celtic book of prayer reading was: "Stillness must begin in the heart. It is a decision, an active choice, to become still, to still your soul. Sometimes, it is as if there is a bunch of monkeys in the tree-which-is-your-mind; and you will not still them by shouting. If you speak quietly and gently- peace will result."
my mind often feels full of monkeys. and i'm not great at speaking quietly nor gently. i need to move into actively choosing stillness. practicing it. and ironically- zoe will be my inspiration.
i got the full report from my friend. she sledded with the other girls for about an hour, and then they played inside. there was no drama. there was no stickiness. at the end of the time two of the girls wanted to walk to the park and sled more- my friend knew this would be too far and too much for zo- so she told her she could stay and play at the house until i came to get her. this could have/ often would have- been a perfect melt down opportunity. but she just said she was disappointed and went to play with lily's new harry potter lego kit.
when she came home- i asked her how her afternoon was. i'm thinking "fabulous! i played with the girls, we had fun, i didn't get upset- it was great!". and i got, "i'm really jealous that lily has a harry potter lego kit and i don't!" in a really whinny voice as she stomped her feet.
and this is where, once again, i talk before thinking. i said, "really?!? that is your take home of the day? i heard you did great! and that you had fun! and that you weren't sticky- and all you have to say is that your jealous about some legos?"
i didn't stop to think that probably- she was absolutely exhausted because of how good her afternoon was, because it takes her so much energy to follow along- to not be anxious- to not be overwhelmed- to stay with the conversation- and to manage her body on really icy hills and sidewalks when her vestibular system sends her different messages, and when it's really cold and she's wet and her sensory system is on overdrive. that for her- it's running a social marathon. that not melting down about being left behind when the other girls went on to the park- was huge for her- and took a lot of work.
she said, "well, i didn't tell lily i was jealous, i didn't get upset, i saved it until now."
therein lies the greatness. the progress. the growth.
because it's not about being 'cured' of her ways of thinking- it's about learning how to respond to her thoughts and emotions- about when to reign it in, and when it's safe to let it out. it's about knowing that even if you feel upset that you can't go to the park- that your portion of the playdate is over, and you channel it into being jealous about some legos; that it would be weird to say that out loud. and she got that- she did it.
i was so proud of her. i said "high five for that good choice!" she said "no, i'm not doing well right now". i told her what a big deal it was that she is not victimized by her sticky thoughts. that she is learning to choose how manage her feelings- when to share them, when not to- that home is safe- she can go to that place of letting it out with us- that we get her.
it still trips me up that she doesn't know how to take a compliment- that she minimizes her successes. and that she doesn't seem to feel the joy she should feel when she triumphs socially. it could be a sign of her oblivion. that she just doesn't really care that much. that maybe she really does care more about legos than relationships. but i don't think so. i think it's because she's a perfectionist- in all ways. and she knows even though she didn't get sticky or upset-it probably doesn't classify as social triumph. she knows she's different and she didn't feel connected with those girls. or maybe she did, but she was disappointed in not going to the park with them and it was channeled into jealousy. i don't know.
what i do know is that peace doesn't come from no sticky thoughts. peace doesn't come from no meltdowns in public- although i often fool myself into thinking that. peace comes from being OK with what happens- whatever it is. peace comes from the stillness. and just as she is learning to make choices about how to manage her behavior, i'm learning to make choices about being still.
today my celtic book of prayer reading was: "Stillness must begin in the heart. It is a decision, an active choice, to become still, to still your soul. Sometimes, it is as if there is a bunch of monkeys in the tree-which-is-your-mind; and you will not still them by shouting. If you speak quietly and gently- peace will result."
my mind often feels full of monkeys. and i'm not great at speaking quietly nor gently. i need to move into actively choosing stillness. practicing it. and ironically- zoe will be my inspiration.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.