feel the music

i love how music can transport you to another time or another place. how it can elevate you where you are- so that the mundane process of making dinner becomes something else.  i've been listening to the sound track from the movie Red- it's french and dark and kind of haunting- it makes me feel that there is more out there- that i have histories behind me that i shouldn't forget about. 

sometimes i will go through long periods of forgetting about music (except in the car) and then when i find it again, i get so excited- it adds that other dimension- and makes things more alive.

i'll be honest- i'd like to say that zoe's been 'off' today- but really- it's me who's off.  i just woke up that way.
we have people coming and i think it stresses me out a little- but it really shouldn't -they are family-they know me- there doesn't need to be a lot of show- but there does need to be a lot of food.

i think i also have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from two thanksgivings ago- and even a little bit from last year.

two years ago- zoe was at her absolute low point-her most anxious - her most out of control.  we were away at mikes parents house-we had our lovely au pair with us- and it was crazy town.  i can't really remember the details- just lots of tears from pretty much everyone- and a knot in my stomach the whole time-and a lot of stickiness.  there was distress. 

i think seasons are like this- we revisit things- we are cyclical - like nature. it's unavoidable.  and our senses have a memory that is stronger than just our thinking mind. ( i opened jude's old baby diaper bag the other day- and the scent of the bag- brought me instantly back to the basement of a hospital - waiting, waiting-endlessly for his first MRI to finish.)

the music- same thing- transportation.

so maybe the offness of today was just about remembering deep inside my head.  somehow my emotions knew what was going on in there, feeling the past two seasons, but i wasn't conscious of it.

i did know that i was off.  i did know that i needed to go for a run. and it helped.  there is something about movement that can bring quiet- running out the intensity inside.  making your body take on some of the work the mind is doing.  it's balancing.

this is what helps zoe most when she's off.  we stretch and exercise. she does push ups or her brain balance exercises- or 'wheel barrow'.  same thing.  hopefully she'll find her adult language for "engine work"- she'll find running or yoga or something that re-sets her. 

she's doing so well- i sometimes forget where we've been.  she's maturing.  she's funny- as in - has a good sense of humor.  she's connecting with her emotions. she's calling me out on mine.  it's so good to see.  zoe has always connected with music.  when she was two years old, she was listening to jazz and said, "oh - this is django reinhardt!" she'd heard it once. still she can hear a few notes and know who is singing or playing, she can recall all the words to a song she's heard once or twice- she recognizes the tone of the singer-the timber of the voice.  last week mike had a work party.  there was an irish band playing.  zoe was there with him and immediately started to dance- and improvise an irish jig.  the band loved it- they handed her a tambourine. she danced and played all night- not shy- in her moment of glory. zoe at her best.

maybe this thanksgiving will be different from the past two.  maybe i'll be able to replace those memories with some new ones.  maybe it will be full of song and transportation.