little bird

it's the first sunday of advent.  it is my first time listening to Handel's Messiah this year.

we don't have a lot of rules in our house- beside the basic - love each other and show it, don't hurt each other with words or actions, be polite and respect each other- but i did make one extra rule- the christmas rule- to keep it special.  we can only listen to christmas music after thanksgiving- we can only watch christmas movies after thanksgiving.  the kids hate this- they want to watch 'the grinch' all the time- they want to listen to christmas music in july.  but it keeps it special to have it only for one month- something to prize and to look forward to.  so this is now the time.  the season of advent.

yesterday, four things happened:
i took off my little bird necklace
i bought a fabulous fancy gown
i went to a hysterical korean day spa
and i watched a beautiful movie- invictus.

my bird necklace has been around my neck since july. it was given to me this summer by my Godmother while we were at the beach in north carolina and zoe was having a very hard week.

it came on a card explaining the bird- which said,
"Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings away, all the same,  knowing she has wings." victor hugo

she gave it to me to remind me that even when you feel that branch move- and the earth quake beneath you- as it was feeling to me last summer- sing on- always sing-even when you're perched on a frail branch- live what you were designed to do- don't be so bothered by the moving branch that you forget who you are- and remember you have wings- things can change- you have movement too.

it has become a part of me.  i've been afraid to take it off.  it's my rabbits foot.  my good luck charm. i have been wearing it with another necklace- one that has three small gold pendants each with the initial of one of my boys.  M, J, and B.  i bought the M (for mike) at a flea market in brooklyn last year, and when mike gave me the boys pendants - the store was out of Zs- so the bird necklace became my zoe symbol.  it was kind of appropriate- the separateness- the uniqueness- the need for a story behind it. 

over the past 4 months- things have gotten much better with zoe.  her brain has been balancing with the help of brain balance and therapy and time and God.  over the past four months i've gotten better too.  with the help of writing it out, talking it out, travelling to ethiopia, and God. 

i think it's time for my bird to find it's wings and leave me.  i think it's time for it to fly over to zoe- to be for her a reminder. the same reminder.  to always sing (as she loves to do)- to be OK with the trembling world around her- to remember her wings.  today, i will pass it on- now it's for her.  and maybe it always should have been.  she is that bird- but so am i.  giving this to her is about separating myself from her story.  for so long- it's been our story- and part of growing up, is me letting her have her own story, and letting me having mine. for so long i've just been holding the branch- trying to stabilize it for her- trying to encourage her to sing.  for so long, i've forgotten about her wings.  now i can see them. small but there - growing.

now it's the beginning of her awareness of the shaking branch and her choosing to sing. of her awareness of her wings. she too, can fly above - she too can choose to not be bound.  is it hard? yes. is it impossible? no.

maybe i need a nest necklace.  maybe i'm the warm place to return to when the branch gets too wobbly or her wings get tired from flying.  maybe pieced together from what ever can be found- i will hold her- be for her a place of return.