39

am i a terrible person because i hate rainy days?  ok- so maybe i don't hate rainy days- i hate wet raincoats, arguing about rain boots, soaking shoes because of puddle splashing on the way to school without rain boots  and then whinny, complaining children. i know.  good moms are supposed to love the experience of watching their children engage with everything- even when it's messy.  i try.  i do.   but honestly- i just wanted to read a book by a fireplace somewhere and drink tea today. instead i'm traipsing back and forth to and from each persons school four times in the rain. i'm crabby. they're crabby. mike's away. and it's still raining.

and i'm about to turn 40. i have one month left of being 39.  i can't quite figure out what the big deal is.  i think turning 39 felt worse- like you were waiting for something bad to happen- like you had to hold on to something that was slipping through your fingers and inevitably going to go anyway.  so why try? it's kind of an exciting place to be- because it's an opportunity for redefinition.

if you think about your life in decades- the first one is about getting down the basics of being a human- learning to walk and talk and separate from your parents and hopefully to read and write and find basic food in some form or fashion.  this is where my boys are. they're in the beginnings and middle of that. 

then the second decade  is about figuring out more about who you are as an individual human.  what you like and don't like to do and read and study and who you like to hang out with.  it's about further separation from your parents, and finding deeper friendship and connection and a different kind of love, and finding your identity with other people, and hopefully being able to live on your own by the time you're 20.  this is where zoe is now- she's at the very beginning- she's still working on somethings from that first decade- namely finding basic food :) (can you help me open the orange juice?)

the third decade (20-30) is further self discovery- further education, career decision and development, and often deciding who to spend your life with, and maybe start having babies.

the fourth decade (30-40) seems to be all about having the babies, narrowing your career focus and finding the balance between work and family-and about settling down.

then you turn 40. it kind of feels like you've climbed a mountain and you're stopping to reflect and look back at where you've been and what you're going to do next. there is a "peakness" to 40. and an opportunity for re-direction, or clarification of direction or even just satisfaction at arriving after climbing for so long. 

for me, 39 has been a year of letting go.  letting go of myself as baby maker.  letting go of myself as what defined me in my thirties which for me was really dealing with fertility issues and growing my family, and dealing with the challenging needs that arose with my children. if anyone has dealt with infertility on any level, you know how hard it is to ever get it out of your head, it's been hard not to be disappointed monthly.  i was stuck for a long time on wanting four kids- needing four kids- because i'd decided i was supposed to have at least four kids.  i'm finally moving on to being happy and more importantly satisfied and thankful with three. moving into a place of acceptance and peace about this feels so good.  so  i almost feel like i'm running towards 40.  i'm ready to see what's next. to be in the business of growing people not babies. to have my body back to myself. to be satisfied and curious with what is next. 

this year has also been a daily reminder of being  thankful for the fact that life is full of surprises- that when you think you're an academic medical doctor on a research career path- you can become a practically stay at home - homeschooling mom.  and that you're still you- you're still ok- identities are really what's inside not initials after names or where we house ourselves from 8-5. and i'm still working on being better at both jobs. embracing the privilege of having three transforming people who call me 'mom", embracing the rainy days- boots, wet coats, puddle splashing and all. and looking forward to the times when i do get to sit and read by the fire. 40 here i come.