today's smile

just got back from pittsburg- cold and leafless and sleepy- to the beautiful south.

so today zoe and i jumped back into homeschooling after three days off.  she's doing much better- much, much better than last year- but i still constantly question my goals for her and doubt myself and wonder how much to push her- how much is she really learning- how much is too much- how much is not enough.  i try to be gentle on us- but it's hard. i try to be still.

today she did her copywork very well.  she did great in the vikings class.  we did math for a while- reading big numbers, then word problems (which tend to be super challenging for her) then multiplication- and she was on a roll- doing great.  then i decided to review telling time and word problems related to telling time and the difference between times etc.  she began to get a little sticky.  we worked through it.  part of the problem was her understanding the units of time- were we dealing with minutes or hours or seconds or days? so we reviewed how those units were related.  i asked her how many hours were in a day.  that was it.  i think her brain was just done and she started guessing.

"5? no 30? no 10?......ohhhhhhhh.......i HATE this!!!  why are you asking me this??? this is stupid!!!" and began to cry. "why don't i know this!!!!!"

once again- a beautiful learning opportunity. we spent the next 20 minutes talking about being OK with not knowing everything.  and how she always remembers everybodies names and i almost always forget peoples names.  we talked about reacting to our feelings, and using words. we talked about not making mountains out of mole hills- which is hard when it really feels like a mountain inside. i get that.  i'm like that.

we talked about how everyone's different and how that's OK.  that our value is not about what we do-or how much we know, but who we are- it's about character. 

i know she has unique struggles.  i know she  has to live with things i don't. that her world is not mine and that it must be very hard to deal with what she deals with daily.  but i want her to know her value- just because she's zoe.  even if she never remembers how many hours are in a day (although i know she will).  even if she is always overwhelmed by the seams in her clothes, or the sound of the vacuum.  she is good.  she is beautiful.  she has purpose and value and worth.  because we all do.  because God made us that way.  sometimes we can't see it- sometimes there are seasons when all we do is look for it and still can't see it. maybe that's because our best traits are those we give away- our friendship, our time, our faith, our smile.

today i ran.  for the first time in months. and  in the beginning it was awful.  i mean painful and exhausting.  i felt like i might keel over.  i thought i must be anemic or have leukemia or something terribly wrong with me, because why else would it feel so bad?  i had to make a choice- should i just go home and wait a few days? maybe i have a cold?  but then i remembered that running is like life- and you just need to go on- because you're not dying, you just sometimes forget. and it got better.   i began to realize that it's finally getting easier to let go.  it's getting easier to just be zoe's mom- and not entangled in her head- not trapped in her world- and it's getting easier to be OK with that separation.  to see that it's healthier for me and for her. it allows her to grow and be on her own- without carrying my issues with her. it allows me the distance i need to be a better parent.
i hit a down hill patch and felt great- and the sun was warm and the wind was just cool enough and i just kept going. i felt alive and thankful and strong. and i smiled.