wholeness of being

today the weather can't make up it's mind and neither can i.  rainy, sunny, winding and cold, cloudy, then sunny again.  i so get it.

today lisa returns to ethiopia- and i so desperately wish i could too. but instead, while she's boarding the plane, i'm getting the report from the vikings class teacher that zoe has been distracted, disruptive and that i must now attend the class with her.
one step forward two steps back.
but since that is the dance pattern of our lives- i'm finally getting used to it.  i'm not crumbling to bits.  this is good news.  it means that not only has she grown up this year but i have too. i had the moment of "oh dear God, she can't even handle an hour long class- she'll never get back to school".  but it was a passing thought- not one that clung on. i had a longer moment of, "oh dear God, i really don't want to attend the vikings class with her".  but eventually that one let go too.  because she is my daughter and i love her and i will do what i can to help her and i will let go of what i can't help her with.  there is no right answer. no formula.  no guarantees.

i used to think that there was a moratorium on suffering.  that the universe would only allow so much per person.  that you could pull out the card reminding God that you'd had enough.  after zoe was born, and we realized all her orthopedic problems, and her delays,  i thought i'd reached it. ha ha ha.  then the real trouble began to unfold for her and around the same time i was pregnant with jude and found out he had hydrocephalus and a brain tumor and congenital hypothyroidism (read happy birthday jude from march '10 for that full story) and was convinced that we'd definitely had our share. we were done with bad luck.  we were done with hard times.  then bryn was born and spent the first week of his life in the ICU unable to breath. at that point, i got it- there is no cap on how much one person can take- how much one person can cry- or how many challenges someone can experience. i know that compared to most of history and most people living today- my life is really not that hard- and these challenges are much less than many- but until you personally have many seasons of "oh you've got to be kidding!" i think this magical thinking is not that rare.

the good news is- in all the crap- we're not abandoned.  we're not alone.  we are loved by the God that allow us to experience the sorrow.  it's irony again. as parents we get the microcosm of this- perhaps even more often if you have 'special' kids.  i could avoid the social suffering of zoe by never letting her leave the house- but because i love her- i allow her to go to the vikings class that she wants to take, knowing it could be overwhelming to her and challenging.  i allow her the choice and i try to be there to help her pick up the pieces- i try to not abandon her and to love her through the sorrow.

it's not easy.  but it's still good. 

in ethiopia i found a part of myself that had gone missing. it hadn't gotten lost, it had just been covered up by all the sadnesses of life. but in those weeks i was able to shed some of it- to smile again- to laugh a lot- to be reminded that life is good-despite. i wouldn't trade that time of healing for anything.  i've been put back together. 

Eugene O'Neill said  "man is born broken. he lives by mending. the grace of God is glue." 

half way around the world i felt that grace- and there is wholeness of being again- in the brokeness of life.  for now.......