zoe saves the day

it had not been a good day.  i woke up after a migrainy night, feeling bored and lonely and with very little prospect of resolving those feelings.  i was in a funk.  i was missing people and places and old lives that aren't found in africa.  i was wanting things i couldn't have.  i was feeling trapped and cornered. it was that melancholy feeling that would only have been better if it had been raining, when i would somehow feel the sympathy of nature and God.  but.  it was sunny- a bright mocking sunshine.

after i made the kids french toast, i wallowed in it for a while.  i felt sorry for myself. then i thought about zoe.  zoe is never bored.  zoe rarely expresses feeling lonely.  zoe does a great job of occupying herself, so i sought her out.

she was in her room- playing LPSs - of course.  so i flopped on her bed and told her how i was feeling- basically bored and lonely. she asked if i wanted to play LPSs with her.  i definitely did not, but i did want to know her secret.  i asked her if we could hang out for the day and go somewhere.  she said sure and we headed into town.  it was totally the right move. 

first of all, having alone time with zoe is rare, then having zoe be in a place where she is focused on things other than herself, is rare.  then having zoe be focused on me in a caring way, is really rare.  it was the tri-fecta.

as soon as we were in the car, i thanked her for coming with me and told her that i was sorry. that sometimes i just get like this- in this funk- in a place of lonely and bored.  she was full of ideas.

"mom, maybe you should have gone for a run.
you need to play more.
or watch a movie
or read a book
or write.
you could do cartwheels.
go on the trampoline.
you could sing!"

then came the best part.........

"you know it's never too late to get yourself an imaginary friend." 

i about died laughing.

"seriously, when you need a friend and you don't have one around they come in handy.  i highly recommend them."

at that point, i knew my day would be fine.  it had turned. zoe had turned it.  the list continued, she was thrilled to be helping me. we had a great time and i was so impressed with her ability to enjoy her life.  her constant capacity to entertain herself, to create ways to sustain herself. 

today i watched temple grandin with zoe- the movie about the amazing autistic woman who over came many challenges and became a professor.  it's the story of a woman who shares a lot with zoe- the sensitivity, the sensory overload, the social challenges, difficulty regulating.  and of course, i cried.  i watched as this woman used her talents and pushed herself through the hard things.  at the end, she is at an autism conference with her mother and she stands up to share about her life. she quotes something her mother had told her and spoken about her for years- that she is 'different but not less'.  you can see on her mothers face- all those years- those impossibly hard and lonely years- filled with fear and exhaustion- they had bloomed into this- her daughter, a woman, speaking now, in front of people- being a voice for people who are different but not less.  wow.

i had waited to watch this movie with zoe because i didn't know how she'd react.  i was worried that she'd over identify. that she'd be begging for a squeeze machine. but i knew she was ready now. part of how i knew was because of an email i'd received earlier that day from her school counselor.  it was a very proud moment for me.  the counselor said that on friday, zoe had spoken in front of her class to tell them about what it was like to have nonverbal learning disorder- what it was like to have her brain, her challenges, her gifts.  the counselor said she was brilliant- clear and together and that she'd fielded their questions gracefully.  wow. 

not surprisingly zoe had not mentioned this on friday. she hadn't mentioned it on saturday even though we'd spent the whole day together.  but i went into her room this morning and i read her the email.  she was so proud. she had a huge smile on her face.  i told her that what she'd done was amazing- because it was.  imaging being 14 and sharing with your class what your challenges are? imagine that vulnerability? imagine that level of risk?  she is so brave.

i told her that, that she was brave and amazing and that i could never have done that when i was 14.  i told her they should make an american girl doll about her.  zoe, girl of the year 2014- a beautiful girl who is a little different but so full of courage. 

i've been mildly obsessed with this idea of courage- of living your life, of telling your story with your whole heart. this is zoe.  in so many ways she wears her vulnerability in a way that most of us can hide.  she can't help but tell her story wholeheartedly- the good the bad and the ugly of it. 

so it has been a weekend full of my learning.  my remembering.  my reflection.  a weekend of zoe helping me to again see her courage, and to laugh, and to take my life less seriously.  to have hope.  to be patient.  to see my own differences and vulnerabilities.  and maybe to get an imaginary friend- for days like yesterday, just in case.