these days i am sitting with things. these days i am still and i am trying. i am trying to be in my moments again and to feel them instead of filling them. i am trying to observe and watch, instead of act and react. this is surprisingly hard- well, for me.
it's sunday afternoon.
have i mentioned how much i hate sunday afternoons? i always have. they are just depressing, always, but to make it worse, because it's Gods day, i also feel guilty that i don't like them. not good all around. it has become my challenge to do something- or anything- to be happy- or at least to not feel depressed.
so today it's been extra hard for me to sit with things, to be still and feel things, because i don't want to feel sunday afternoon, i want to avoid it.
i decided the best thing to do would be to walk the dog up monkey hill. it was hot but it was good and i was moving but i was also still. i was listening and feeling and being present, in this day, this sunday afternoon, in this place with all it's beauty and it's challenge.
when we got to the top of the hill, when we sat on the cement bench, looking out at lake victoria, the rain came. a lot of rain. nice, cold, hard, heavy rain. i loved it. there was such a sense of release and realness. this is life- the emptying sky with out shelter- the coldness of rain with out a coat. the bareness of nature, being unprepared, welcoming what comes, whatever that may be. hearing only the loud falling water, seeing the sheets of it obscuring all else- knowing it's now- just now- then it will go- so love it and be in it.
so i did. i let it soak me. i walked and ran down that hill through streams of brown mud. i let that dog shake his muddy fur all over me. i was cold and wet and my clothes stuck to me- but there i was - on a sunday afternoon- feeling the realness wash all over me. i allowed myself to feel all the things that make me sad and all those things that make me happy. i told myself that it is okay to sit and stand and walk and run with these feelings- the good and the bad- the sweetness and the lonely. i reminded myself that i don't need to DO anything about them. that i can learn more from listening than busying. that i can grow more from paying attention, than ignoring.
that is where i am, where i am trying to be, even on a sunday afternoon.
it's sunday afternoon.
have i mentioned how much i hate sunday afternoons? i always have. they are just depressing, always, but to make it worse, because it's Gods day, i also feel guilty that i don't like them. not good all around. it has become my challenge to do something- or anything- to be happy- or at least to not feel depressed.
so today it's been extra hard for me to sit with things, to be still and feel things, because i don't want to feel sunday afternoon, i want to avoid it.
i decided the best thing to do would be to walk the dog up monkey hill. it was hot but it was good and i was moving but i was also still. i was listening and feeling and being present, in this day, this sunday afternoon, in this place with all it's beauty and it's challenge.
when we got to the top of the hill, when we sat on the cement bench, looking out at lake victoria, the rain came. a lot of rain. nice, cold, hard, heavy rain. i loved it. there was such a sense of release and realness. this is life- the emptying sky with out shelter- the coldness of rain with out a coat. the bareness of nature, being unprepared, welcoming what comes, whatever that may be. hearing only the loud falling water, seeing the sheets of it obscuring all else- knowing it's now- just now- then it will go- so love it and be in it.
so i did. i let it soak me. i walked and ran down that hill through streams of brown mud. i let that dog shake his muddy fur all over me. i was cold and wet and my clothes stuck to me- but there i was - on a sunday afternoon- feeling the realness wash all over me. i allowed myself to feel all the things that make me sad and all those things that make me happy. i told myself that it is okay to sit and stand and walk and run with these feelings- the good and the bad- the sweetness and the lonely. i reminded myself that i don't need to DO anything about them. that i can learn more from listening than busying. that i can grow more from paying attention, than ignoring.
that is where i am, where i am trying to be, even on a sunday afternoon.
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