yesterday i left the house with 2 left flipflops in my bag.
i was running out the door with my stuff for the day - dressed for cross fit- with a change of clothes, computer, etc, and trying to get the three big kids out the door with their stuff for the day- someones swimming costume (i know- it's what they call it at the brittish school- it still makes me laugh), pe kit (another one), water bottles, homework, library books, snacks, gluten free lunch items, etc. at least the kids managed to get a correct pair of shoes on their feet, but when i grabbed my flipflops, i grabbed one of mine and one of judes- unfortunately they were both for a left foot. rats.
but it kind of sums up my life. walking around in two left shoes.
the other day i found upon a blog called jamie the very worst missionary (which you should all check out because she is way funnier and wiser than i am). but. why do you think i gravitated toward it? because that title is how i feel most of the time. yes, that is me. most of the time i feel like i am messing it all up.
the thing is, we all have these ideas about missionaries- what they wear and do and say and write and think- and i don't fit that picture most of the time. most of the time i am stumbling around in 2 left flipflops and a pair of jeans writing about how hard it is, or how much i miss something or someone, or what is happening with my kids- (as in who peed their bed again or ate earthworms, not who led someone to the Lord), or how i need to get away from my kids. most of the time i write about brokenness and life not working and needing to change things. i talk about feeling old and wrinkled and wanting a latte (in a togo cup from my car window with air conditioning on a smooth paved road). i talk about the challenges of living here, of trying to do medicine here, of trying to understand and live in and respect another culture. i think about why we're even here and does it matter and do we do meaningful work- or are we just confusing people with the word missionary?
do you know what else? most of the time i dread making dinner and often default to eggs and toast (not in cute individualized eggs-in-a-hole fashion- just a bucket of scrambled eggs and some toast). i try hard to not swear, especially in front of my kids, of sometimes i end up swearing at them. oops. i try even harder to model good behavior- not whining- not yelling- being thankful, but in the hot afternoon car ride home with 4 of them in traffic- i know i'm dropping that ball.
i met a woman once who is a fellow missionary in uganda, and she is the very best missionary ever. seriously. but she does the right things and says the right things and writes the write things. she home schools her kids, she makes their clothes, her idea of a great saturday is playing with her kids- not getting away from them on date night. she likes to cook, and grow things, and repaint rooms, she even this week, made her own butter- AND put that down as something she was THANKFUL FOR- as in she's keeping a list.
i also have a friend, who is also my neighbor, and fellow missionary, and even belongs to the same missions agency, and she is also the very best missionary ever. seriously. sometimes i get jealous. (see! missionaries aren't supposed to be jealous!) she wears the right clothes and writes the right things on her blog -things that are always uplifting and pointing up to God. she runs the sunday school, and the womens bible study. she home schools her kids, she's super hospitable, she always throws holiday parties- and i'm talking about the minor holidays- like May Day. and i'm sure she never gets jealous. or angry or upset or frustrated or annoyed.
ha. i'm kidding. of course she does. because she's human. even missionaries are human- even missionaries who make their own butter are human. which is the point right? at least for me. i am sooooo human, sooooo the worst ever, that i can't see how anyone else can do any of it, with out God. with out forgiveness and unconditional love, and more forgiveness and hope and mercy and grace. because those are the things that Jesus is all about. Thank God. really.
the hard part is when we feel we have an image to uphold that we are not living up to. when we feel like we are supposed to only say some of what's happening, when we are only allowed to share the good parts, or the God parts. when we are supposed to pretend that we don't have bad days or bad seasons, or that we're not in therapy, or that our kids won't need therapy (because the day we wore two left flipflops we shoved them out of the car, tossing their backpacks after them- to get to crossfit (i mean....our ministry outreach) on time.)
but....i'm sure my friends, my very best missionary ever friends, don't feel like they live up to that title either. they probably have their laundry list of what they are doing wrong too. they probably, maybe, occasionally shove their kids out of the car, or yell, or resort to eggs for dinner....again. but if they don't, if all they do is feel guilty when they don't have home made butter- then they can relax because this two left shoed lady is using blueband! (doh!)
when you take it all away- when you strip us all down- out of our jeans or african dresses, or whether we write about sunday school or the fact that life doesn't work, or whether we are busy making butter, we all need the same things- love and forgiveness. whether we live in africa or in the USA or europe or asia- whether we are missionaries, worst or best, or regular people, or Christians or not, we all need Grace and Mercy.
thankfully, when we fall, or fail, or just have a bad day- there are the everlasting arms.
"the eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deut. 33:27
(well now....i am a missionary after all :)
i was running out the door with my stuff for the day - dressed for cross fit- with a change of clothes, computer, etc, and trying to get the three big kids out the door with their stuff for the day- someones swimming costume (i know- it's what they call it at the brittish school- it still makes me laugh), pe kit (another one), water bottles, homework, library books, snacks, gluten free lunch items, etc. at least the kids managed to get a correct pair of shoes on their feet, but when i grabbed my flipflops, i grabbed one of mine and one of judes- unfortunately they were both for a left foot. rats.
but it kind of sums up my life. walking around in two left shoes.
the other day i found upon a blog called jamie the very worst missionary (which you should all check out because she is way funnier and wiser than i am). but. why do you think i gravitated toward it? because that title is how i feel most of the time. yes, that is me. most of the time i feel like i am messing it all up.
the thing is, we all have these ideas about missionaries- what they wear and do and say and write and think- and i don't fit that picture most of the time. most of the time i am stumbling around in 2 left flipflops and a pair of jeans writing about how hard it is, or how much i miss something or someone, or what is happening with my kids- (as in who peed their bed again or ate earthworms, not who led someone to the Lord), or how i need to get away from my kids. most of the time i write about brokenness and life not working and needing to change things. i talk about feeling old and wrinkled and wanting a latte (in a togo cup from my car window with air conditioning on a smooth paved road). i talk about the challenges of living here, of trying to do medicine here, of trying to understand and live in and respect another culture. i think about why we're even here and does it matter and do we do meaningful work- or are we just confusing people with the word missionary?
do you know what else? most of the time i dread making dinner and often default to eggs and toast (not in cute individualized eggs-in-a-hole fashion- just a bucket of scrambled eggs and some toast). i try hard to not swear, especially in front of my kids, of sometimes i end up swearing at them. oops. i try even harder to model good behavior- not whining- not yelling- being thankful, but in the hot afternoon car ride home with 4 of them in traffic- i know i'm dropping that ball.
i met a woman once who is a fellow missionary in uganda, and she is the very best missionary ever. seriously. but she does the right things and says the right things and writes the write things. she home schools her kids, she makes their clothes, her idea of a great saturday is playing with her kids- not getting away from them on date night. she likes to cook, and grow things, and repaint rooms, she even this week, made her own butter- AND put that down as something she was THANKFUL FOR- as in she's keeping a list.
i also have a friend, who is also my neighbor, and fellow missionary, and even belongs to the same missions agency, and she is also the very best missionary ever. seriously. sometimes i get jealous. (see! missionaries aren't supposed to be jealous!) she wears the right clothes and writes the right things on her blog -things that are always uplifting and pointing up to God. she runs the sunday school, and the womens bible study. she home schools her kids, she's super hospitable, she always throws holiday parties- and i'm talking about the minor holidays- like May Day. and i'm sure she never gets jealous. or angry or upset or frustrated or annoyed.
ha. i'm kidding. of course she does. because she's human. even missionaries are human- even missionaries who make their own butter are human. which is the point right? at least for me. i am sooooo human, sooooo the worst ever, that i can't see how anyone else can do any of it, with out God. with out forgiveness and unconditional love, and more forgiveness and hope and mercy and grace. because those are the things that Jesus is all about. Thank God. really.
the hard part is when we feel we have an image to uphold that we are not living up to. when we feel like we are supposed to only say some of what's happening, when we are only allowed to share the good parts, or the God parts. when we are supposed to pretend that we don't have bad days or bad seasons, or that we're not in therapy, or that our kids won't need therapy (because the day we wore two left flipflops we shoved them out of the car, tossing their backpacks after them- to get to crossfit (i mean....our ministry outreach) on time.)
but....i'm sure my friends, my very best missionary ever friends, don't feel like they live up to that title either. they probably have their laundry list of what they are doing wrong too. they probably, maybe, occasionally shove their kids out of the car, or yell, or resort to eggs for dinner....again. but if they don't, if all they do is feel guilty when they don't have home made butter- then they can relax because this two left shoed lady is using blueband! (doh!)
when you take it all away- when you strip us all down- out of our jeans or african dresses, or whether we write about sunday school or the fact that life doesn't work, or whether we are busy making butter, we all need the same things- love and forgiveness. whether we live in africa or in the USA or europe or asia- whether we are missionaries, worst or best, or regular people, or Christians or not, we all need Grace and Mercy.
thankfully, when we fall, or fail, or just have a bad day- there are the everlasting arms.
"the eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deut. 33:27
(well now....i am a missionary after all :)
2 comments:
I enjoyed reading this. Maybe because I am often the worst pastor's wife ever!
thanks susan! Gods strength is made perfect in our weakness! amen
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