my friend said that the other day, "life doesn't work." and some days, i really know what she means. it doesn't work the way we want it to. it doesn't go according to plan. it's not smooth and pretty and easy. life is broken. it's messy and complicated and hard and it's broken. on facebook it looks nice and easy and fun. all. the. time. but it's not. well, at least mine isn't.
yesterday i was having one of those mornings when i just wanted space. unfortunately, rose was having one of those mornings when all she wanted was to be with me. this didn't work. i didn't want to be followed and watched and petted (yes, she pets me). and everywhere i went, she was right there, and she was actively staring at me, or petting me. finally when i was drying my hair, i just turned around and said, "can you please stop staring at me!!! go get a book or something, you can be here, you can be with me, but do something, don't just stare!" it was not a good moment. i felt badly as soon as i said it.......broken.
there were several other annoying snaphoos in the day validating the fact that life doesn't work, but then we went to pick zoe up from school. first of all, it was hot, and we had been in our now not air-conditioned car for over an hour, with several kids who were hungry and thirsty. it was supposed to be a 'meet the teacher' afternoon but we arrived to zoe having a very serious discussion with her homeroom teacher and her one-one aide about her saying something mean to some of the girls in her class. they were handling it very well. they were calm and explaining the consequences of her behavior and that it would lead to her isolation- that she was putting up walls with her behavior- that she wouldn't like. mike and i honestly just wanted to throttle her. because in moments like this, we are staring broken in the face. we are living 'life doesn't work'.
but how can i even say that? it's all relative. i just returned from visiting my friend with cancer. he's 14. he just got home from the hospital last night. he is thin and in pain. and in those moments, with my hand on his hot forehead, those are the moments when i really feel that life doesn't work. it's just so broken. as am i.
his mom kept thanking me and saying she is asking God why i came here and helped her. why God had blessed them in that way. that is so not the question i would be asking. i would be asking why my kid is suffering? why my kid had cancer? why this was happening to our family? but not her. she is asking about blessing in the midst of suffering. she is being thankful in her pain.
i sat there on that couch and listened to her talk about being in the hospital a few days ago. she was talking about one night, in those dark hours, when her son was having a lot of pain, she cried out to her God, and He showed up. as he does, because He promises he will. she was so afraid and sad and she cried out- something like 'help!' something like 'please!' and there He was. she felt Jesus by their bed, she said. she heard in her heart, "no matter what, I am here and I am still God." and in that broken moment she said, "then i will praise you." and she had peace. and her son had freedom from his pain for the rest of that night.
there is the mending. the mending is in that promise. NO MATTER WHAT I AM HERE AND I AM GOD. You are not alone, ever. You are loved. and that is why she can find the blessing - EVEN in this. that is why she can be thankful in the middle of life not working. and that is why i sat on that couch and wept and wept- because it was just so brokenly beautiful. as she spoke and he slept, i was filled with all of it- the sorrow and the sweetness; the ugly and the goodness- all of it together. and i remembered my seasons. i remembered God showing up so clearly when i cried, "help!" and "please!" and "now!". i remembered that promise that, "yes, life doesn't work. but I won't leave you alone in it."
there is the hope. even though life will keep on breaking, and breaking us, we are still given moments of beauty and goodness and peace- and that is enough. today, that can be enough.
yesterday i was having one of those mornings when i just wanted space. unfortunately, rose was having one of those mornings when all she wanted was to be with me. this didn't work. i didn't want to be followed and watched and petted (yes, she pets me). and everywhere i went, she was right there, and she was actively staring at me, or petting me. finally when i was drying my hair, i just turned around and said, "can you please stop staring at me!!! go get a book or something, you can be here, you can be with me, but do something, don't just stare!" it was not a good moment. i felt badly as soon as i said it.......broken.
there were several other annoying snaphoos in the day validating the fact that life doesn't work, but then we went to pick zoe up from school. first of all, it was hot, and we had been in our now not air-conditioned car for over an hour, with several kids who were hungry and thirsty. it was supposed to be a 'meet the teacher' afternoon but we arrived to zoe having a very serious discussion with her homeroom teacher and her one-one aide about her saying something mean to some of the girls in her class. they were handling it very well. they were calm and explaining the consequences of her behavior and that it would lead to her isolation- that she was putting up walls with her behavior- that she wouldn't like. mike and i honestly just wanted to throttle her. because in moments like this, we are staring broken in the face. we are living 'life doesn't work'.
but how can i even say that? it's all relative. i just returned from visiting my friend with cancer. he's 14. he just got home from the hospital last night. he is thin and in pain. and in those moments, with my hand on his hot forehead, those are the moments when i really feel that life doesn't work. it's just so broken. as am i.
his mom kept thanking me and saying she is asking God why i came here and helped her. why God had blessed them in that way. that is so not the question i would be asking. i would be asking why my kid is suffering? why my kid had cancer? why this was happening to our family? but not her. she is asking about blessing in the midst of suffering. she is being thankful in her pain.
i sat there on that couch and listened to her talk about being in the hospital a few days ago. she was talking about one night, in those dark hours, when her son was having a lot of pain, she cried out to her God, and He showed up. as he does, because He promises he will. she was so afraid and sad and she cried out- something like 'help!' something like 'please!' and there He was. she felt Jesus by their bed, she said. she heard in her heart, "no matter what, I am here and I am still God." and in that broken moment she said, "then i will praise you." and she had peace. and her son had freedom from his pain for the rest of that night.
there is the mending. the mending is in that promise. NO MATTER WHAT I AM HERE AND I AM GOD. You are not alone, ever. You are loved. and that is why she can find the blessing - EVEN in this. that is why she can be thankful in the middle of life not working. and that is why i sat on that couch and wept and wept- because it was just so brokenly beautiful. as she spoke and he slept, i was filled with all of it- the sorrow and the sweetness; the ugly and the goodness- all of it together. and i remembered my seasons. i remembered God showing up so clearly when i cried, "help!" and "please!" and "now!". i remembered that promise that, "yes, life doesn't work. but I won't leave you alone in it."
there is the hope. even though life will keep on breaking, and breaking us, we are still given moments of beauty and goodness and peace- and that is enough. today, that can be enough.
2 comments:
For some reason every time i try to subscribe to your blog via any of my readers or via email it never works. i try to remember to come here more often but i usually forget if it isnt in my inbox. today i am so glad i remembered because i needed this post and i miss your writing. hope life on the other side of the world is treating you well. :)
andi!! thanks! i changed the blog address from blogspot to www.bestillandknowkris.com (not sure if that helps or not!) how are you? it's good to hear you and i'm glad you're back! i can try to resend it to your email?
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.