in three weeks, mike and the three big kids, leave for the US. we will pull out those big old suitcase/duffel bag things we haven't seen in two years, and pack a few things and a bunch of gifts and off they'll go.
in six weeks i will join them. i am so ready.
someone told me that when you actually book your tickets, when 'home' is in sight, when it moves into the realm of almost tangible, things here can start to annoy you. the small things that add up and have to be overlooked for survival purposes, start to have an awful glare that blinds you. she was right. when we booked our tickets last month, the things that bothered me when we first moved here, which rapidly became 'normal', bothered me again. bad traffic and bad drivers, littering, losing power during dinner, everyone asking me for school fees, potholes, the pervasive lack. but now, i'm back to those things being normal. now i'm just getting so excited.
now i'm allowing all the things i've missed or longed for, things i'd shoved back into my brain and stored, for survival purposes, to come blossoming forward. a scrumptious cheese board and lomo from the krog bar with a cold cold glass of white wine on a hot summer night. a loud, hard core southern thunderstorm when the wind turns cold and the sky takes over and quiets us. oysters from hogg island in the pacific northwest. the sweet smell of california grasses and eucalyptus trees. THE OCEAN in it's fullness and magnitude and power and ability to shrink me back to nothing.
i'm ready because i need to be placed. i need to be reminded. i need to be deafened by the hard rain. i need to run through golden gate park, inhale the eucalyptus and go back in time to when i pushed my babies there. i need to hike the ochre hills of the marin headlands. i need to climb mount tam and see the beautiful city across the bay. i need to feel the waves on my feet and the sand under me and i need to breathe it all into my heart and be filled and rested and i need to spend hours with my 40 something girl friends who have known me forever and still love me even though i've moved across the world.
this is where i am.
last night i was at another "night of encouragement". it was a dinner and time of fellowship for missionary women living in uganda. we ate and introduced ourselves and sang and got into small groups and prayed for each other - for whatever is hard, and whatever is good, and whatever is needed. i didn't mean to but i think i hogged the time in our group. trying to find an aide for zoe for next year, roses adoption challenges, going home in shifts, starting at clinic, fundraising. but. what i remembered while we prayed is that GOD IS BIG and what's even better is that GOD CARES about even really little people like me and even about problems that seem gianormous to me but are not much for a big God. during the singing part of the evening there was a pause and the leader asked us to close our eyes and think of all the adjectives to describe God and then to say them out loud. there were so many words. they were all good. they were all the things we need. LOVE, FIRM FOUNDATION, FATHER, KINDNESS, FORGIVENESS, CREATOR, HOLY ONE, PROTECTOR, CORNERSTONE, FRIEND, PEACE, GENTLENESS, THE ONE WHO NEVER LEAVES US, FAITHFUL. and on and on.
i sat quietly. i didn't shout out a word, but what kept circling around in my head was ENOUGH. what kept running ticker tape through my mind was, ALL I REALLY NEED.
i think she did this so we'd remember. i think hearing from other women who know God and have done crazy things like move across oceans to be Her hands and feet, means something. i think she knew we needed to be reminded of who God is, so that we can hope and breathe and rest in that. so that our challenges can shrink back to the place they should have in our lives and our joy can bloom. because all the things God is, He wants us to experience and know and share.
the woman who prayed for me reminded me. the person who will be zoe's aide next year is already picked out, i just need to find her. it's divinely orchestrated. rose's life and place in our family has already been decided, i just don't know what it looks like exactly. but it's the perfect plan. my jumbled summer is just as it should be, even if i don't know why.
and that is why i can say God is enough. that is what i can hold on to when the ocean is far away and so are the oysters and good cheese and old friends and golden hills of dried grass and wildflowers. that is what i can hold on to when i grow tired of red dust and potholes and broken.
but i'm so very thankful that in the middle of God being enough, i get to go home and rest and get ready to begin, again.
I'm ready to begin
I went on the search for something real I traded what I know for how I feel
But the ceiling and the walls collapsed
Upon the darkness I was trapped
And as the last of breath was drawn from me
The light broke in and brought me to my feet
There's no fortune at the end of the road
That has no end
There's no returning to the spoils
Once you've spoiled the thought of them
There's no falling back to sleep
Once you've waken from the dream
Now I'm rested and I'm ready
I'm rested and I'm ready
Yeah I'm rested and I'm ready
I'm rested and I'm ready
Yeah I'm rested and I'm ready
I'm rested and I'm ready to begin
I'm ready to begin
avett brothers, february seven
in six weeks i will join them. i am so ready.
someone told me that when you actually book your tickets, when 'home' is in sight, when it moves into the realm of almost tangible, things here can start to annoy you. the small things that add up and have to be overlooked for survival purposes, start to have an awful glare that blinds you. she was right. when we booked our tickets last month, the things that bothered me when we first moved here, which rapidly became 'normal', bothered me again. bad traffic and bad drivers, littering, losing power during dinner, everyone asking me for school fees, potholes, the pervasive lack. but now, i'm back to those things being normal. now i'm just getting so excited.
now i'm allowing all the things i've missed or longed for, things i'd shoved back into my brain and stored, for survival purposes, to come blossoming forward. a scrumptious cheese board and lomo from the krog bar with a cold cold glass of white wine on a hot summer night. a loud, hard core southern thunderstorm when the wind turns cold and the sky takes over and quiets us. oysters from hogg island in the pacific northwest. the sweet smell of california grasses and eucalyptus trees. THE OCEAN in it's fullness and magnitude and power and ability to shrink me back to nothing.
i'm ready because i need to be placed. i need to be reminded. i need to be deafened by the hard rain. i need to run through golden gate park, inhale the eucalyptus and go back in time to when i pushed my babies there. i need to hike the ochre hills of the marin headlands. i need to climb mount tam and see the beautiful city across the bay. i need to feel the waves on my feet and the sand under me and i need to breathe it all into my heart and be filled and rested and i need to spend hours with my 40 something girl friends who have known me forever and still love me even though i've moved across the world.
this is where i am.
last night i was at another "night of encouragement". it was a dinner and time of fellowship for missionary women living in uganda. we ate and introduced ourselves and sang and got into small groups and prayed for each other - for whatever is hard, and whatever is good, and whatever is needed. i didn't mean to but i think i hogged the time in our group. trying to find an aide for zoe for next year, roses adoption challenges, going home in shifts, starting at clinic, fundraising. but. what i remembered while we prayed is that GOD IS BIG and what's even better is that GOD CARES about even really little people like me and even about problems that seem gianormous to me but are not much for a big God. during the singing part of the evening there was a pause and the leader asked us to close our eyes and think of all the adjectives to describe God and then to say them out loud. there were so many words. they were all good. they were all the things we need. LOVE, FIRM FOUNDATION, FATHER, KINDNESS, FORGIVENESS, CREATOR, HOLY ONE, PROTECTOR, CORNERSTONE, FRIEND, PEACE, GENTLENESS, THE ONE WHO NEVER LEAVES US, FAITHFUL. and on and on.
i sat quietly. i didn't shout out a word, but what kept circling around in my head was ENOUGH. what kept running ticker tape through my mind was, ALL I REALLY NEED.
i think she did this so we'd remember. i think hearing from other women who know God and have done crazy things like move across oceans to be Her hands and feet, means something. i think she knew we needed to be reminded of who God is, so that we can hope and breathe and rest in that. so that our challenges can shrink back to the place they should have in our lives and our joy can bloom. because all the things God is, He wants us to experience and know and share.
the woman who prayed for me reminded me. the person who will be zoe's aide next year is already picked out, i just need to find her. it's divinely orchestrated. rose's life and place in our family has already been decided, i just don't know what it looks like exactly. but it's the perfect plan. my jumbled summer is just as it should be, even if i don't know why.
and that is why i can say God is enough. that is what i can hold on to when the ocean is far away and so are the oysters and good cheese and old friends and golden hills of dried grass and wildflowers. that is what i can hold on to when i grow tired of red dust and potholes and broken.
but i'm so very thankful that in the middle of God being enough, i get to go home and rest and get ready to begin, again.
I'm ready to begin
I went on the search for something real I traded what I know for how I feel
But the ceiling and the walls collapsed
Upon the darkness I was trapped
And as the last of breath was drawn from me
The light broke in and brought me to my feet
There's no fortune at the end of the road
That has no end
There's no returning to the spoils
Once you've spoiled the thought of them
There's no falling back to sleep
Once you've waken from the dream
Now I'm rested and I'm ready
I'm rested and I'm ready
Yeah I'm rested and I'm ready
I'm rested and I'm ready
Yeah I'm rested and I'm ready
I'm rested and I'm ready to begin
I'm ready to begin
avett brothers, february seven
1 comment:
Beautiful. I can't wait.
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