it's early morning, the light is just coming, and it's raining. the house is quiet. zoe is away on a school trip, the boys just left for school and rose is still asleep. i am outside on this porch to begin my day in stillness. to let the softness of this rain, the slowly emerging sun, the bird songs, the spirit of our living God, fall on me. to say 'help' in whatever comes my way. to say 'i can't do it alone'. to say 'please' and 'thanks' and 'forgive me'.
it's good to have quiet- but it's so unnatural for me in my life these days. zoe went away yesterday and returns tomorrow. i must admit it was a nice break last night to have only 3 kids and to have the most vocal and opinionated one, absent, but already, i do miss her energy.
when i dropped her off at school she was anxious to hear what the other kids would think of her newly braided hair. she was excited but also nervous. when we got to school several girls were already there in the class and zoe's hair quickly became the topic of conversation. they said it was different and they liked it, but also they liked it the other way. she kept asking- so what do you really think of my hair? - do you really like it? i could tell her slight confusion was appropriate- she was struggling to decipher the subtleties of what was being said. the tone of voice with the words, the faces with the tones. that was why she was asking again- she really was trying to get it. ouch.
again it made me realize how incredibly brave she is. how she is so much braver than most people that i know. how she is so much braver than i. because she enthusiastically forges ahead in a very confusing world. she jumps into situations that most of us would flee from. she wants to go to all the birthday parties, to all the school events, on all the field trips- even though they are exhausting and challenging and often complicated to understand. i don't know how i would do in zoe's life. i like to think that i'd push myself and strive hard to overcome - but likely it would be over the physical challenges - opening the ketchup bottle and pushing until i got the monkey bars down. i doubt that i'd take on the really hard stuff- that of social rejection. no, i wouldn't be so brave.
as the rain stops and the sky is brightening and i can hear the soft steps of rose approaching- i will pray for zoe. for her stillness- away for three days and two nights- for her strength. i will say 'please- watch over and protect her little heart'. i will say 'thank you for her brave soul'. i will say 'forgive me for not seeing that always'.
it's good to have quiet- but it's so unnatural for me in my life these days. zoe went away yesterday and returns tomorrow. i must admit it was a nice break last night to have only 3 kids and to have the most vocal and opinionated one, absent, but already, i do miss her energy.
when i dropped her off at school she was anxious to hear what the other kids would think of her newly braided hair. she was excited but also nervous. when we got to school several girls were already there in the class and zoe's hair quickly became the topic of conversation. they said it was different and they liked it, but also they liked it the other way. she kept asking- so what do you really think of my hair? - do you really like it? i could tell her slight confusion was appropriate- she was struggling to decipher the subtleties of what was being said. the tone of voice with the words, the faces with the tones. that was why she was asking again- she really was trying to get it. ouch.
again it made me realize how incredibly brave she is. how she is so much braver than most people that i know. how she is so much braver than i. because she enthusiastically forges ahead in a very confusing world. she jumps into situations that most of us would flee from. she wants to go to all the birthday parties, to all the school events, on all the field trips- even though they are exhausting and challenging and often complicated to understand. i don't know how i would do in zoe's life. i like to think that i'd push myself and strive hard to overcome - but likely it would be over the physical challenges - opening the ketchup bottle and pushing until i got the monkey bars down. i doubt that i'd take on the really hard stuff- that of social rejection. no, i wouldn't be so brave.
as the rain stops and the sky is brightening and i can hear the soft steps of rose approaching- i will pray for zoe. for her stillness- away for three days and two nights- for her strength. i will say 'please- watch over and protect her little heart'. i will say 'thank you for her brave soul'. i will say 'forgive me for not seeing that always'.
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