i just hit a wall.
i am not proud.
i was reading 'chick-a-chicka-boom-boom' to the three younger kids. they were perched around me, having already had the fight about who gets to sit where. zoe presented from the shower, wrapped in her towel and, as she loves this book, she began reciting from where we were, perfectly. this did not go over well. surprisingly, it was not zoe that caused me to loose it- it was the reaction of the three little ones who all started yelling at her for talking. i don't quite know what happened, but i lost it.
first i started reading really fast with no expression at all, then i started going even faster, until.... it turned into me going "chicka chicka BLAH BLAH BLAH!! I'M SO DONE WITH YOU PEOPLE!" and getting up from the couch, leaving the bewildered crew behind me.
oops.
yes.
that is true.
see, i hit a wall.
i'm not exactly sure why. i'm not exactly sure what came over me. how is it possible to be so tired of the people i love so much? is it okay to just not want to have to be a parent for day or maybe- dare i say it- a week?
i'm starting to have fantasy's about escaping. i'm imaging just getting in the car and driving.
the truth is, it's been building for days, for weeks. mike left for 3 weeks back in november- and before he left, he was very busy at work and i was needing to 'pick up the slack'. then when he came back in december, he was sick and jet lagged and i again, needed to 'pick up the slack'.
that is life. there are seasons. there are times when duty calls and life calls and you answer because you can and because you need to and because you love the people that you are caring for. but it's now been about eight weeks of me being first call- being first pilot parent- being where the buck stops- answering all the 'can i have a.......' and the 'why can't i have a.....' and the 'she is taking all the ......' and the 'why can't we go......'
so.
when you hit a wall, or when i do, i try to figure out a way to break it all down- to regroup- to avoid bumping into more walls, or at least to provide some sort of padding. but my padding feels far away and tonight as i scrambled to figure out what to do, or where to go, or who to talk it all out with- i just felt very far away and alone and sort of sorry for myself. i wanted to leave- but there is really no where to go. i wanted an end in sight- but the road looked too long so it blurred into a not helpful vision.
i'm left sitting on the couch, with the all the house electronics blinking at me as they try to hold on to their power- in brown out mode, listening to the avett brothers and wanting my mom.
i did manage to kiss the kids goodnight and i even squeezed out an apology for being a total nutball. i closed the prayers with "and please help mommy not lose her cool- in your mercy- dear God- hear this prayer!"
some seasons are thicker and last longer. some times the road seems to go on and on. in these times i have to break it down into bits- like- 'what will i do right now?'
show up here.
listen to good music that brings me back to safe places.
bake the delicious ghirardelli brownies my mom sent.
and watch 'amelie' with mike.
tomorrow- i will remember to say 'help!' before my feet hit the ground.
tomorrow will be another day, another opportunity to break it down, regroup, avoid the walls, or find some padding.
sometimes the padding is in sweet singing
i am not proud.
i was reading 'chick-a-chicka-boom-boom' to the three younger kids. they were perched around me, having already had the fight about who gets to sit where. zoe presented from the shower, wrapped in her towel and, as she loves this book, she began reciting from where we were, perfectly. this did not go over well. surprisingly, it was not zoe that caused me to loose it- it was the reaction of the three little ones who all started yelling at her for talking. i don't quite know what happened, but i lost it.
first i started reading really fast with no expression at all, then i started going even faster, until.... it turned into me going "chicka chicka BLAH BLAH BLAH!! I'M SO DONE WITH YOU PEOPLE!" and getting up from the couch, leaving the bewildered crew behind me.
oops.
yes.
that is true.
see, i hit a wall.
i'm not exactly sure why. i'm not exactly sure what came over me. how is it possible to be so tired of the people i love so much? is it okay to just not want to have to be a parent for day or maybe- dare i say it- a week?
i'm starting to have fantasy's about escaping. i'm imaging just getting in the car and driving.
the truth is, it's been building for days, for weeks. mike left for 3 weeks back in november- and before he left, he was very busy at work and i was needing to 'pick up the slack'. then when he came back in december, he was sick and jet lagged and i again, needed to 'pick up the slack'.
that is life. there are seasons. there are times when duty calls and life calls and you answer because you can and because you need to and because you love the people that you are caring for. but it's now been about eight weeks of me being first call- being first pilot parent- being where the buck stops- answering all the 'can i have a.......' and the 'why can't i have a.....' and the 'she is taking all the ......' and the 'why can't we go......'
so.
when you hit a wall, or when i do, i try to figure out a way to break it all down- to regroup- to avoid bumping into more walls, or at least to provide some sort of padding. but my padding feels far away and tonight as i scrambled to figure out what to do, or where to go, or who to talk it all out with- i just felt very far away and alone and sort of sorry for myself. i wanted to leave- but there is really no where to go. i wanted an end in sight- but the road looked too long so it blurred into a not helpful vision.
i'm left sitting on the couch, with the all the house electronics blinking at me as they try to hold on to their power- in brown out mode, listening to the avett brothers and wanting my mom.
i did manage to kiss the kids goodnight and i even squeezed out an apology for being a total nutball. i closed the prayers with "and please help mommy not lose her cool- in your mercy- dear God- hear this prayer!"
some seasons are thicker and last longer. some times the road seems to go on and on. in these times i have to break it down into bits- like- 'what will i do right now?'
show up here.
listen to good music that brings me back to safe places.
bake the delicious ghirardelli brownies my mom sent.
and watch 'amelie' with mike.
tomorrow- i will remember to say 'help!' before my feet hit the ground.
tomorrow will be another day, another opportunity to break it down, regroup, avoid the walls, or find some padding.
sometimes the padding is in sweet singing
1 comment:
Long ago I realized it may be helpful for children to occasionally see their parents hard emotions. I think it better prepares them for the real world but most of all, lets them know their actions can deeply impact their parents. Perhaps it helps build sensitivity or empathy. Don't feel guilty because, you see, you were simply helping them grow.
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