my morning alone

there i was, basking in it.  a silent, empty house.  home alone and the best kind of alone. alone without the prospect of anyone coming home until i get them.  a very different type of alone than i'm used to: that which occurs in 15 minute chunks, followed by a punch related bloody nose, or the need for a snack of olives, or to be informed that the turtle has escaped again.  i was enjoying the time that lasts longer than quarterly segments, but is mostly magnificent because it lacks the constant potential for interruptions, which unnerves me much more than the interruptions themselves.

it's the anticipation of small peoples needs that makes it hard for me to relax.  or finish a thought. or achieve needed clarity.

i was sitting in the fullness of this day- this first day since the start of school when florence has the day off, rose began pre-school, mike is at work, and i have been home. all. alone. i was dreaming of the possibilities, after my walk up the hill and my second cup of coffee, of what i could do with a few days a week like this.  basically, i could conquer my world.  i could return to painting, i could exercise regularly, i could write my book, i could finally learn lugandan, study for the internal medicine re-certification boards, get my garden going, cook my way through julia child, organize the boys closet disaster. the options were endless and i was excited.

so of course this day, after a mere 2 hours of freedom, i had a meeting with the head of the university. my light and breezy new found attitude based on the recently arrived upon reality of having some overdue alone time, was weighted down with a lot of needs, with another reality. really? on this day?
it would have been nice to continue the dream.  to have just a morning a week of pretending i'm retired, but in the best possible way (with out the longing for what was, because it will be in a few short hours).

but.

i know i didn't come to africa to become a really good cook, or the mastermind of lego/ army men organizational systems.  i came here to help where i can, to give my time and what little talent i may have, to teach what i know, to make the world somehow smaller, because God loves us all the same and wants poverty to end, and justice to happen, and wrongs to be righted.

this day, as all days are, was orchestrated from above. the vice chancellor didn't know that zoe had just started school.  he didn't know we had rose or that she had started pre-school.  he just knew our intentions in coming here, my CV, his needs, and thought he'd ask, see what might be possible. 

it will require some good alone thinking time, praying time, asking what can-and-should-i-do time. this new season of something. my season of transitioning myself as i transition my littles. it's again about finding the balance, holding the tension of the opposites as they pull at us, maintaining the pose.  it's about helping with out burning out.  it's about remembering that my family comes first- but i don't need to hide out and wait for their possibly neediness to be revealed. 

trust. be. try. give. hold. let go.  and always, savor the stillness.