there was a time a few years back when i was terrified of writing that zoe'd had a good day. i was convinced that i would jinx it. it wasn't very hard to avoid this, because there weren't that many good days to write about, as she wasn't having many. but there were plenty of hard times, moments when i wondered if i would ever feel close to normal again.
this week, i've begun to feel what i remember to be, normal. and. it's. fabulous. i spent the early part of the week elated but holding my breath. so happy that each day, my phone didn't ring, there were no tears, and i wasn't hearing anything bad at pick up. i was figuring no news was good news- or at least not horrible news- but inside i was wondering what no news really meant. i wondered as i wrote about her being on the student council, if the joke would be on me, and today i would hear the truth about how much she is struggling, today i would here that she wasn't elected to student council, but assigned, to give everyone a break for an hour each thursday. basically, half of me was thrilled, and the other half was waiting for the shoe to drop.
but it hasn't it.
instead i heard that she's doing better each day. that she's settling well. that things are moving in the right direction. and the weird thing is, they are better at home too. i assumed that if she was able to "handle" school, she'd definitely fall apart at home. i figured that we'd have to put up with 5 hours of evening torture as she unwound after holding it together all day. instead, she follows directions more easily, needs fewer reminders, and is calmer, more pleasant and less agitated. there are less sticky thoughts and less force laughter and less arguing about getting in the shower and bedtime and less fighting with her siblings. it's basically been a great week.
when zoe was nine and things were not easy, she told me she wanted to get her ears pierced. i was fine with her age, but i couldn't believe that this kid, with her scratchy-i-won't-wear-jeans-don't-comb-my-hair sensory system, would want either the piercing or the feeling of earrings. i told her all that. she said she was ready- really- and that i should believe her. i decided she deserved a chance- but said that she couldn't get one ear pierced and change her mind- it was all or nothing. "deal" she'd said.
she was right. i was amazed. she tolerated it and has never once complained about her ears or her earrings.
i think going back to school has been like getting her ears pierced. she knew. she was ready. she was done with homeschooling and even though it was risky and scarey and emotionally scratchy- the balance was tipped in favor of school. she knew before i did. and just like the earrings, i'm totally surprised, and proud of her.
it's a good reminder to listen to our kids carefully. to trust them on somethings, even when they're not yet 10. maybe this is especially true for kids who are different, who don't make their milestones in the correct order or at the right times. the ones we fear lack the ability to make good executive decisions. but sometimes they know. sometimes they are ready. sometimes they know and we don't.
it still all might fall apart. next week could be a total disaster. but actually, not totally- because we've had this week. we've been reminded. we've been surprised- okay i have- i think she knew it would be fine all along.
this week, i've begun to feel what i remember to be, normal. and. it's. fabulous. i spent the early part of the week elated but holding my breath. so happy that each day, my phone didn't ring, there were no tears, and i wasn't hearing anything bad at pick up. i was figuring no news was good news- or at least not horrible news- but inside i was wondering what no news really meant. i wondered as i wrote about her being on the student council, if the joke would be on me, and today i would hear the truth about how much she is struggling, today i would here that she wasn't elected to student council, but assigned, to give everyone a break for an hour each thursday. basically, half of me was thrilled, and the other half was waiting for the shoe to drop.
but it hasn't it.
instead i heard that she's doing better each day. that she's settling well. that things are moving in the right direction. and the weird thing is, they are better at home too. i assumed that if she was able to "handle" school, she'd definitely fall apart at home. i figured that we'd have to put up with 5 hours of evening torture as she unwound after holding it together all day. instead, she follows directions more easily, needs fewer reminders, and is calmer, more pleasant and less agitated. there are less sticky thoughts and less force laughter and less arguing about getting in the shower and bedtime and less fighting with her siblings. it's basically been a great week.
when zoe was nine and things were not easy, she told me she wanted to get her ears pierced. i was fine with her age, but i couldn't believe that this kid, with her scratchy-i-won't-wear-jeans-don't-comb-my-hair sensory system, would want either the piercing or the feeling of earrings. i told her all that. she said she was ready- really- and that i should believe her. i decided she deserved a chance- but said that she couldn't get one ear pierced and change her mind- it was all or nothing. "deal" she'd said.
she was right. i was amazed. she tolerated it and has never once complained about her ears or her earrings.
i think going back to school has been like getting her ears pierced. she knew. she was ready. she was done with homeschooling and even though it was risky and scarey and emotionally scratchy- the balance was tipped in favor of school. she knew before i did. and just like the earrings, i'm totally surprised, and proud of her.
it's a good reminder to listen to our kids carefully. to trust them on somethings, even when they're not yet 10. maybe this is especially true for kids who are different, who don't make their milestones in the correct order or at the right times. the ones we fear lack the ability to make good executive decisions. but sometimes they know. sometimes they are ready. sometimes they know and we don't.
it still all might fall apart. next week could be a total disaster. but actually, not totally- because we've had this week. we've been reminded. we've been surprised- okay i have- i think she knew it would be fine all along.
1 comment:
I'm so happy for her!
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.