today with my girls

well, i think the honeymoon period might be over. they say that in adoption there can be this period of dreamy behavior, when the child is trying really hard to guarantee their spot- to make a good impression- to not make people mad. the last two weeks have gone by with relative ease.  now, after sleeping like a charm, and no potty accidents, rose is remembering how to be a real two year old (if she's two, otherwise a bratty three year old.)

last night i heard my name: "ah-ma-ME!" loud and clear at 1 am.  i went to her room. not there.  i looked in the bathroom, in her brothers room, in the living room- not there- at least i thought she wasn't there because it was really dark and she is hard to find in the dark.  so i turned on the kitchen light and she was standing in the back by the washing machine. we had a few rounds of going potty, going to her bed, to our bed, crying, singing, and back to her bed. after about an hour- mike held her and she fell asleep.

and today, after never having a single accident since being here, she has peed through four outfits- the last two of which were without underwear. and i might care a little less if we didn't have a non functioning dryer because the plug melted. yes. it smoldered and smoked and melted.  and because it's raining out so the the clothes won't dry on the line.  which is kind of funny- that today is the day that she keeps peeing in her pants.  now she is wearing pajamas.

of course in might not be the end of a honeymoon period, alternatively, it could all be a punishment for yesterday- for sitting through a confusing two hour meeting with her birth mom- hearing three languages and wondering where she'd end up afterwards.

it could be a test- "are they going to keep me even if i keep them up at night and pee everywhere?"

or it could be because she has been following me around all morning, speaking luganda and getting "oh, u-hun, good!" in response, while i attempt to homeschool zoe.  not exactly the focused attention she is wanting. 

i don't know her reasons, but yes dear rose.  we will stay up, and change your pants all day, and love you the whole time.

meanwhile, zoe.

she has had a pretty easy homeschool day.  i taught her about how the eye works, we baked and measured for math, and i let her do playdough while we did history. and then it came time for the dreaded copy work. oh. my. word.

i have been unsuccessful in making rose take a nap- in other words- i've decided to not spend 20 minutes with her screaming, and then zoe fake screaming- and opted instead to have a more crabby kid from 4-6.  not sure which is the worst of the evils. so, i had no alone time with zoe. i had her melting down about copy work- and rose trying to show me the piles of peanuts she'd put into various containers that she'd been collecting all day.

it wouldn't have been so bad, if i hadn't been envisioning the rest of her life again.  or even just the next year.  but i was.  see, we're are moving into being done with home schooling- i am, zoe is.  it's just time.  the boys wonderful little primary school is starting a special education program next year and they are considering having zoe do a combination of regular class with support and pull out for certain things that are hard.   this is all very exciting, actually, more than that- it's an answer to prayer as it would be a great place for her to 'practice' re-integrating into a school environment, in a very emotionally safe way. it's also very terrifying because... what if it doesn't work? because what if i have settled in to work again- in a full time sort of way, and get called by the school- told it's not working- that i'd better come pick her up- what if i have to return to plan "b"?

this is where i was emotionally as she sat there unable to focus on writing anything  and blaming her bad mood on rose for crying last night.  i wanted to scream, "you'd better get it together girl and not blow it!!"  i wanted to grab her by the hair and tell her that i was done done.  because emotionally, i was in that place of "oh dear God- i can't go back to 3 years ago."  and because we have a practice morning on friday at the school to "see how it goes".

so i handled it all very maturely.  i told her she needed to leave the house immediately and go anywhere that was far away from me. and as she put her shoes on i added that i was considering sending her back to america to live with her ama because i was done.  see, mature.

she went about 30 feet away and asked for another chance.  which i gave her because i'm so mature.  as she returned to her pad of paper- i realized that she is giving me an opportunity to help her with what she needs most.  help regulating- knowing when she's off-sticky- stuck- and then knowing what to do to get out of it.  this is the key to her ability to not just be in a school class room next year- but to live her life.  so i sat beside her and asked what she needed to do to get to a place where she could write.  she grumbled and fought and i told her that it was her life- but i was pretty sure that she knew what to do.

25 jumping jacks, 114 sit-ups, 15 'super mans', 20 cross-crawls and 15 'star-fish' exercises later - she sat down and finished her story. and then she left to most likely get much needed space from me. 

i sat down and thought about what i need to focus on for the rest of this home-school season.  what i need to do help her get ready to try and be in a classroom again.  what i need to do for myself to be okay with it not working, if it doesn't work - with being somewhere again- that i don't really want to be- because that could happen.

at 4:30 i got to snuggle my sweet little girl who finally fell asleep in my arms for her much needed nap.  at 6:30 my sweet big girl came home refreshed and apologizing if she was late for dinner.  so everyone had an enjoyable and regulated evening.