the day before- in real time

have i mentioned that i'm really bad at waiting?
like really bad. like obsessively bad.  like- check my phone a million times an hour to see if i've missed any calls even though the phone is in my pocket- bad.

so today, while waiting, i've tried really hard to just be in my day, to play and to have fun, and it's been much better.

i walked the boys up monkey hill for an hour.  i played soccer with jude for a while. florence taught me how to make red beans for rosie.  i took the kids down to the canteen and met mike for lunch. 
that is when i was called by the lawyer who told me the court order should be approved today. that i'd be called later - today.  and i could see my anti-waiting mode jump to the surface.

"definitely today right? he'll bring me the paper today?"

see- obsessive.

but then she told me that the social worker at the babies home is away until monday.

to which i responded:

"but we can call her right? i can reach her and she can tell them it's okay for us to pick her up tomorrow-right? we're still on for tomorrow?"

trying to keep the panicky sound down and the calm self controlled sounds up.

so i reached the social worker, who said yes. she'll have rose ready for tomorrow. 

phew! great!

now if i can just get that court order in my hot little hands......

then i thought about tomorrow.  about all of us driving into town with our empty car seat and a little bag of clothes to pick her up, and all my anxiety and panic about not being able to get her, turned into anxiety and panic about being able to pick her up. 

what if she cries and screams and holds tightly to her caregivers?  what if she hides or runs away? what if she says she doesn't want to come with us?  what if they force her into our car and she cries the whole way home? should i bring her a toy? a stuffed animal, a comfort item? should i put her in a diaper just in case? should we drive straight home? or stop to get ice cream?

so i did what i always do when i'm grappling for some control- i went to the internet and googled "how to bring home your foster child" and "day one of international adoption". and i found some good things like- "yes" to the transitional object, and "no" to the ice cream. "probably" to the diaper.  i got, expect tears, or hiding or anything else you might see or hear from any of your children- because anything goes.  because transitions are hard.  because she's leaving 'home' for her and that is big and scary and unknown.  because they speak her language and we don't. because they look like her, and we don't.  because emotionally, familiar is almost always better than new. 

and then when i didn't feel much better on the inside- i texted my friend here who is also an adoption social worker, begging her to talk with me today.  attempting to gather information- to know what to do- to do the right things- to not mess it up.

then the probation officer called and told me he had the court order.  i could come get it.  it was ready.  it was official.

then i did what i always finally remember to do when i'm sort of scared or anxious or grappling- i fell on my knees. and said, 'thank you!' and 'help!'

and then we had a conversation.
i said, 'i feel like i don't know what i'm doing- but i love her.'
he said, 'good, 'cause that's enough.'

i said, 'it's quite possible that all four kids could fall apart tomorrow night'
he said, 'yup. and that's okay.'

i said, 'what if this is a bad plan? what if she's better off there? what if we're not ready?'
he said, 'what if it is the right plan? what if i want her with you? what if you are ready but you're just a little scared?' i'm pretty sure i heard him mutter 'as usual' under his breath.

and i remembered what my oldest friend said about our fostering/ adopting of rose, "i guess that is how you are meant to come by your children; blood, sweat and tears." 

it's true- they have all come with hard stuff- so number four will have her own story of tough things.
but they have all come with such love, and with such a deep desire for their being. 

that is how we will pick her up tomorrow- nothing that happens will change that love or desire.  we will be patient with each other and gentle and withhold expectations and have faith.
and that will be enough.
so. excited.