what a day. a humbling day. a day when i know i am so not superwoman. a day when i forgot to ask God to walk with me.
today i had to drive back to kampala, back to the doctor, after being there all day yesterday with rose because they couldn't do all the tests they needed. so i had rose and jude- both needed blood work and rose needed 3 immunizations. of course yesterday they irrigated her ear, which she loved, so she knew there was trouble when we drove up.
now i was supposed to arrive with a stool sample in hand- however as much as i tried to get her go this morning in the little potty- i failed.
"rosie can you caca?"
"ahn ahn!"
"please?"
"ahn ahn!!"
"thankfully" at the doctors office, while jude and i are with her in the bathroom, she needs to go. so i say,
"oh quick!! grab me that envelope out of my purse" and i'm fumbling around trying to catch it, but end up having to fish it out of the toilet, at which point jude starts to gag and runs for the door.
"this is true love kid!" i said as i washed my hands.
we dropped the sample and headed to the nurses station. they got ready to draw her blood and she began to scream. she screamed so much that jude didn't even notice getting his blood drawn. she screamed so much that when it was over, she turned around and clung to me and then vomited all over me. all over my shirt, and my pants, it was even in my underwear. and we still had three shots to get through- and the rest of the day of errands.
"this is really true love kid!" i said as i went to find the bathroom.
to make it slightly more stressful, while covered in vomit, i was waiting for her HIV test results- as in- i was watching it like you watch a pregnancy test.
thankfully, it was negative. phew.
on the way to the car, we were chased down and told we needed to wait because her stool "was positive" aka- infected.
this wasn't even the bad part.
we had to go to the orphanage to give them a copy of our foster care order. i really didn't want to bring her- but i really had no options. well she got upset as we drove in, and then even more upset as we drove away (after being hugged by one of her favorite caretakers there). who can blame her? the poor kid- three vaccines, a blood draw, an ear infection, infectious diarrhea, a confusing trip back to where she just lived for 8 months, and no nap.
it was kind of awful for everyone; as i'm driving away, she's bawling, jude is asking if she likes the orphanage better than us, i smell of vomit, still need to go buy the chemo and bring it to the hospital for this boy who we are helping, no one has had lunch or slept in the car and it's 1:30. and i'm thinking, as i reach across the car to hold her hand and tell her that i love her- i chose this. i chose this. this is hard. but i chose this.
when we got home, rose refused her antibiotic- or spit it out all over both of us. (thankfully i still was wearing dried vomit shirt). then she decided to test the boundaries in any possible way- refused her lunch, spit her milk, and took everyone's toys. perhaps she was punishing me for the day i put her through, or for the last 9 months of her life that she didn't sign up for.
but i did. i signed up for all of it. all of this. all the crazy. that is the thing about adoption- you do it on purpose. it's not like you have some crazy sex and 9 months later something comes out that kind of looks like you and you're hormonally ready to feed it and love it. what i mean is you really sign up for it- literally. you sign a million forms, you pay various fees, you have a ton of opportunities to convince people that you want to do this- that you should do this- that this is your dream. and sometimes you are fortunate enough to be able to choose the child. of course then you really did it on purpose- specifically and on purpose.
we chose rose. we chose her and her messy complicated situation. in many ways i think of adopted children as extra wanted- extra chosen- and extra special in that way, but it's also a lot easier to question our choices more than we question the things that 'just happened'. in some ways we 'trust fate' more than we trust ourselves.
so as i'm cooking rice and beans for her dinner (knowing she wouldn't eat the take out pizza i'd brought home), and thinking about the day, and what i signed on for, i get a text from the social worker saying her birth mother wants us to bring her to the orphanage tomorrow morning so she can see her. and even though i'd taken a bath and changed in to clean clothes, even though rose had too, and people were playing nicely- the thought of bringing her back there tomorrow- adding to it a visit with her birth mom- and mike is going out of town, so i'd be doing it alone- well, it made me slightly overwhelmed.
i stirred beans and thought about what to do. what is best for rose? what is best for us? what is best for her birth mom? and i was just befuddled. thankfully, mike came home and reminded me that this is not an emergency (which is really what it felt like to me- as in i frantically texted my poor social worker neighbor that i was in fact, having the social work equivalent of a 'myocardial infarction'). mike reminded me that we can not and do not need to rush over and bring her back there tomorrow. that we will happily set up a meeting for next week, when we both can go, when we can give rose a bit more time to settle. it seemed so simple- maybe because it was. he told me it was going to be okay, that rose would be okay, that we would be okay. and maybe if i hadn't had so much bodily fluid exposure today, i would have come up with that myself.
then the lawyer called and said the same things mike did- she'd set up the meeting, with everyone, next week, and that it would be okay.
we had a good dinner. rosie took her antibiotics and her ear drops. everyone was bathed, brushed, in bed, sung to, and told they were loved by 7:30.
this is the other side of the coin. the hard stuff- there will be more coming. but she is a little ball of love and we want to help her navigate this complicated world- this complicated situation that she didn't ask for- but we did.
and tomorrow i won't forget to ask God to walk with me (even though i know He's always around, there is something in the asking). maybe tomorrow, i'll just skip ahead and ask him to carry me.
good night :)
today i had to drive back to kampala, back to the doctor, after being there all day yesterday with rose because they couldn't do all the tests they needed. so i had rose and jude- both needed blood work and rose needed 3 immunizations. of course yesterday they irrigated her ear, which she loved, so she knew there was trouble when we drove up.
now i was supposed to arrive with a stool sample in hand- however as much as i tried to get her go this morning in the little potty- i failed.
"rosie can you caca?"
"ahn ahn!"
"please?"
"ahn ahn!!"
"thankfully" at the doctors office, while jude and i are with her in the bathroom, she needs to go. so i say,
"oh quick!! grab me that envelope out of my purse" and i'm fumbling around trying to catch it, but end up having to fish it out of the toilet, at which point jude starts to gag and runs for the door.
"this is true love kid!" i said as i washed my hands.
we dropped the sample and headed to the nurses station. they got ready to draw her blood and she began to scream. she screamed so much that jude didn't even notice getting his blood drawn. she screamed so much that when it was over, she turned around and clung to me and then vomited all over me. all over my shirt, and my pants, it was even in my underwear. and we still had three shots to get through- and the rest of the day of errands.
"this is really true love kid!" i said as i went to find the bathroom.
to make it slightly more stressful, while covered in vomit, i was waiting for her HIV test results- as in- i was watching it like you watch a pregnancy test.
thankfully, it was negative. phew.
on the way to the car, we were chased down and told we needed to wait because her stool "was positive" aka- infected.
this wasn't even the bad part.
we had to go to the orphanage to give them a copy of our foster care order. i really didn't want to bring her- but i really had no options. well she got upset as we drove in, and then even more upset as we drove away (after being hugged by one of her favorite caretakers there). who can blame her? the poor kid- three vaccines, a blood draw, an ear infection, infectious diarrhea, a confusing trip back to where she just lived for 8 months, and no nap.
it was kind of awful for everyone; as i'm driving away, she's bawling, jude is asking if she likes the orphanage better than us, i smell of vomit, still need to go buy the chemo and bring it to the hospital for this boy who we are helping, no one has had lunch or slept in the car and it's 1:30. and i'm thinking, as i reach across the car to hold her hand and tell her that i love her- i chose this. i chose this. this is hard. but i chose this.
when we got home, rose refused her antibiotic- or spit it out all over both of us. (thankfully i still was wearing dried vomit shirt). then she decided to test the boundaries in any possible way- refused her lunch, spit her milk, and took everyone's toys. perhaps she was punishing me for the day i put her through, or for the last 9 months of her life that she didn't sign up for.
but i did. i signed up for all of it. all of this. all the crazy. that is the thing about adoption- you do it on purpose. it's not like you have some crazy sex and 9 months later something comes out that kind of looks like you and you're hormonally ready to feed it and love it. what i mean is you really sign up for it- literally. you sign a million forms, you pay various fees, you have a ton of opportunities to convince people that you want to do this- that you should do this- that this is your dream. and sometimes you are fortunate enough to be able to choose the child. of course then you really did it on purpose- specifically and on purpose.
we chose rose. we chose her and her messy complicated situation. in many ways i think of adopted children as extra wanted- extra chosen- and extra special in that way, but it's also a lot easier to question our choices more than we question the things that 'just happened'. in some ways we 'trust fate' more than we trust ourselves.
so as i'm cooking rice and beans for her dinner (knowing she wouldn't eat the take out pizza i'd brought home), and thinking about the day, and what i signed on for, i get a text from the social worker saying her birth mother wants us to bring her to the orphanage tomorrow morning so she can see her. and even though i'd taken a bath and changed in to clean clothes, even though rose had too, and people were playing nicely- the thought of bringing her back there tomorrow- adding to it a visit with her birth mom- and mike is going out of town, so i'd be doing it alone- well, it made me slightly overwhelmed.
i stirred beans and thought about what to do. what is best for rose? what is best for us? what is best for her birth mom? and i was just befuddled. thankfully, mike came home and reminded me that this is not an emergency (which is really what it felt like to me- as in i frantically texted my poor social worker neighbor that i was in fact, having the social work equivalent of a 'myocardial infarction'). mike reminded me that we can not and do not need to rush over and bring her back there tomorrow. that we will happily set up a meeting for next week, when we both can go, when we can give rose a bit more time to settle. it seemed so simple- maybe because it was. he told me it was going to be okay, that rose would be okay, that we would be okay. and maybe if i hadn't had so much bodily fluid exposure today, i would have come up with that myself.
then the lawyer called and said the same things mike did- she'd set up the meeting, with everyone, next week, and that it would be okay.
we had a good dinner. rosie took her antibiotics and her ear drops. everyone was bathed, brushed, in bed, sung to, and told they were loved by 7:30.
this is the other side of the coin. the hard stuff- there will be more coming. but she is a little ball of love and we want to help her navigate this complicated world- this complicated situation that she didn't ask for- but we did.
and tomorrow i won't forget to ask God to walk with me (even though i know He's always around, there is something in the asking). maybe tomorrow, i'll just skip ahead and ask him to carry me.
good night :)
4 comments:
And in the midst of this you still took time to let me know you were worried about me?! Shoot, lady, you sure are golden! xo
Wow....beautiful....just beautiful. Your words, thoughts, YOU, ROSE, all of it.
Sending prayers, love and thoughts to u
Xo
E
of course gabi!
e- i miss you like i don't know what!
I am just imagining you and Rose, 10 years from now, sitting and reading those words that you wrote about a horrible day. 10 years from now, you and Rose will probably laugh until you cry. For now, though, I am praying for you. I am also praying with gratitude for her negative HIV test.
God's peace be with you.
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