it's extra complicated

she was eating a mango, that was all, two little hands with juice running down them, trying to get those last bits off the pit. she looked up at me,  it's in those seconds sometimes that life happens.  for some reason, that is when she switched from being some little girl in an orphanage, to my little girl, at least in my heart.

this has been a bumpy ride, but expectedly bumpy.  there have been a lot of highs and lows and there still will be. and there are many details and weird parts- but a lot of those things are not my story to tell- they are part of her story, even if she doesn't know it yet.

on tuesday i got an email saying that we probably can't adopt her- for various complex reasons.  it was really hot outside but i knew what i needed to do.  i put on my hiking shoes and i headed up monkey prayer hill.  i wore sunglasses so no one would see me cry, because i knew i'd cry, because i was really sad. i walked fast because i was mad, and confused and because i had a bone to pick with God, or several. 

i hiked to the top quickly, dry eyed, and asked a million questions on the way.  like, why God are you seeming to say no? why can't you just let me have another daughter?  and by the way, why did i have that miscarriage with #4? are you telling me that three is the magic number?  is this a door shutting on having more kids?  why do you place desires in our heart that don't happen? 

when i reached the top i sat on the stone bench looking out over the towns all the way out to lake victoria and i kept right on talking to God.
'okay, i trust you- and i love you, and i know you have a purpose in all this.  i know you love this child more than i do.  so i can be with this- i will trust you.  but will you please just give me a word?'

and i listened really carefully and attentively, even eagerly.  i watched the wind in the palm trees, but i heard nothing.  i got nothing.  i waited a little and again i said, 'will you please give me a word? something to hold onto? something to help me get some peace in this?'

again, nothing.

so i started down the mountain, alone and confused and i cried hard.  i walked and i thought and my questions to God changed from why poor me?  to what will happen to her?  to how can i help take care of her, even it i can't adopt her?  what can we do for this child who we love?  who can we be for her?

suddenly i realized that it didn't really matter if she were 'mine', it really only matters that we love her.  and like that moment with the mango, i knew up on that mountain, that it wasn't about #4, it wasn't about zoe having a sister, it wasn't about finishing my family; it was about this little girl. 

i wrote a little about this experience, about my thoughts on adoption, on adopting here, last month.  an old dear friend commented and she wrote some very wise words that spoke to me on that day when i was waiting for God to show up.

"So he will lead you toward how to be what you are supposed to be to this little one that you love."

there is so much in those words.
that we will be led.  implying a path, a process, the need of a guide.
not 'toward what you are supposed to be' but toward  how to be what you are supposed to be. because so many times i don't know how- i get lost in the how- i get overwhelmed by the how.
and what i'm supposed to be- because it might not be so obvious, it might not be so clear- it might not be her mama, or it might be, or it might be many things at different times. 

but i will be guided and shown how to be what i'm to be to this little one that i love.

sometimes when i ask things of God, the answer is silence.  sometimes the answer is that i will walk around that mountain for a while and have a good cry.  sometimes the answer is being allowed to go to places of darkness and confusion and loneliness.  and sometimes later the answer comes in the soft words of another- words written a month ago- words from someone who listened to the stirrings, and who took the time to write them, wise fortune-esque words, prophetic words.

led toward how to be.
what i'm to be
to this little one
that i love