why somedays i want to poke my eye out

i had started this post in my head last night as i lay in bed thinking about my zoe and the challenges that we seem to continually face.  it's not that they are massive, terrible, or earth shattering, it's that they are slow and gnawing, like chinese water torture.

is it the number of times that i've heard myself say "stop eating with your fingers!!" and "what part of stop playing dolls and put the doll stuff way, do you not understand? i've asked you five times in the past hour." while her younger brothers use utensils and might need 1 or 2 prompts to clean up.

or is it the fact that she'll get completely worked up about a 'stranger' at my friends house- the stranger who happens to be another mother with her kids present- but will happily and fearlessly spend an hour talking to a random guy sitting alone in the coffee shop who happens to looks like hitler?

and thus my desire to poke out my own eyeball in frustration.

so i remind  myself of  'the rule of 300'.  that it takes 300 times longer to teach her something than a neurotypical child- in other words that there is hope, eventually.  and i remember that she has a gift of reaching out to people.  and i say a prayer that no one will harm her when i'm not around to protect her, or act as a filter, before she reaches the 300th time and finally understands who really is a stranger, maybe even a strange,stranger. 

but we are entering that tricky age- we are at 'tween' and heading toward 'teen'.  so there is all the goofy that goes along with that- the gangly, awkward, pimply, hormone-y, stuck somewhere between child and adult- stuff that we all fondly recall.  but it's overlaid with a wide differential between the areas of maturity and those of great immaturity that kids with learning differences live with. tricky because there are now more variables, more volition, a greater desire to reach emotional independence- which seems to point and laugh at the other areas of continued dependence.  and instead of this adorable little blonde girl- flapping away while watching clifford and understandably using her fingers because her tiny hands can't hold a spoon, i'm dealing with all the struggle but she's wearing miss-matching clothes and has underarm hair.

so i was thinking that in addition to lowering expectations this new year, i also need to have a better sense of humor.  i was having visions of talking in that calm, sweet, sing-songy voice and saying to zoe in full sincerity, "oh honey! did you forget to use your fork again?" and not letting it get to me. at. all.

because i want to be that person- or at least not the yelling, ranting, nut-ball that i can become when i've told her 5 times to use the fork! i want to just laugh about it and let it go, and hope that when we get to 300, she'll listen the first two times she's asked to do something, or better yet- not have to be asked at all.

yes i want to get to that place of zen.  i want to go all in with love, and all out with annoyance.

because i need my eyeballs, both of them.