today was fantastic. beautiful. the best all week. i'd like to say it was because home schooling went really well with zoe, or because i saved someones life in clinic, but it was the opposite. it was fabulous because i didn't have to watch her spend 40 minutes copying 4 sentences, or tell me she didn't want help, and i didn't have to see sick small children who can't get the treatment they need. today i ran away, kind of. today i didn't home school zoe, or go to clinic, but i spent the day with mike in kampala. today, i took a break.
we are beginning our sixth month in africa. we are beginning a season of discernment. the process of gaining keen insight or judgement. we are praying for wisdom here, guidance, as there are so many amazing opportunities to serve, that we'll know the right ones, that we'll focus well, that we'll do what we should do, and not just do what is easiest or what comes up first. that we'll have vision and perspective.
so as we bumped along the road into the city, with zoe happily behind with florence and a list of schoolish things to do, i blurted out the keen insight i think i've been given over the past few weeks. and it went something like this,
"i don't think i can do much more of this home school thing! i think i might be done! i mean after 2 years, i think i'm ready to just be zoe's mom, because at the end of the day, after being with her all day, and listening to her nonstop talking, dealing with her absurdly slow pace, and her inability to focus on anything, i kind of want to throttle her. really. and i don't want to feel that, or say that, or be that. i just want to be the one who listens to her day, and tells her it's okay, and is excited to tuck her in bed at night. i want to do the other stuff, the things i was trained to do, i want to be a doctor, and teach highly motivated and eager-to-learn graduate students, and i want to write. is that awful? am i terrible?"
it felt so good to say it out loud. i think it had been stirring for a while, brewing around in me, and i was pushing it down and feeling badly for thinking it. but once i heard myself say it, i didn't feel badly anymore- i felt kind of free. and thankfully he said no, that i wasn't awful or terrible.
this year, he started helping with the home schooling. he does two days, i do three. i'll admit, there was a part of me that was really nervous that he'd be better at it. because he's really smart and good at most things, and much more patient than i am, and able to hold back whatever impatient words might come to his mind. i imagined that she'd love monday and tuesday and thrive in the beginning of the week, only to fall apart with me in the end of it. that mr. patient would serve to emphasize my impatience, that i would be the bummer parent, that i'd hear, "why can't you just be like dad!" basically that i'd fail in comparison. but. the joy of sharing the responsibility of her education, of not being the one holding the keys, quickly outweighed my insecurities. and it turns out he is really good at it- thankfully, and he really enjoys it (for now) and zoe appreciates both of us. but the best part is, i realized i don't care if he's better at it, or if she likes him better as a teacher. turns out, i care most about just being her mom. i care so much about being her mom- that if home schooling is getting in the way of me doing that well, maybe it needs to go. there are lots of people who could teach her- i'm her only mom.
i spent the first hour talking this out, and once i'd said it, i felt better. we didn't reach any big conclusions or make any sort of decisions- but we had a great day. and i came home and was so happy to see my kids, even and especially zoe, because today i was just her mom.
we are beginning our sixth month in africa. we are beginning a season of discernment. the process of gaining keen insight or judgement. we are praying for wisdom here, guidance, as there are so many amazing opportunities to serve, that we'll know the right ones, that we'll focus well, that we'll do what we should do, and not just do what is easiest or what comes up first. that we'll have vision and perspective.
so as we bumped along the road into the city, with zoe happily behind with florence and a list of schoolish things to do, i blurted out the keen insight i think i've been given over the past few weeks. and it went something like this,
"i don't think i can do much more of this home school thing! i think i might be done! i mean after 2 years, i think i'm ready to just be zoe's mom, because at the end of the day, after being with her all day, and listening to her nonstop talking, dealing with her absurdly slow pace, and her inability to focus on anything, i kind of want to throttle her. really. and i don't want to feel that, or say that, or be that. i just want to be the one who listens to her day, and tells her it's okay, and is excited to tuck her in bed at night. i want to do the other stuff, the things i was trained to do, i want to be a doctor, and teach highly motivated and eager-to-learn graduate students, and i want to write. is that awful? am i terrible?"
it felt so good to say it out loud. i think it had been stirring for a while, brewing around in me, and i was pushing it down and feeling badly for thinking it. but once i heard myself say it, i didn't feel badly anymore- i felt kind of free. and thankfully he said no, that i wasn't awful or terrible.
this year, he started helping with the home schooling. he does two days, i do three. i'll admit, there was a part of me that was really nervous that he'd be better at it. because he's really smart and good at most things, and much more patient than i am, and able to hold back whatever impatient words might come to his mind. i imagined that she'd love monday and tuesday and thrive in the beginning of the week, only to fall apart with me in the end of it. that mr. patient would serve to emphasize my impatience, that i would be the bummer parent, that i'd hear, "why can't you just be like dad!" basically that i'd fail in comparison. but. the joy of sharing the responsibility of her education, of not being the one holding the keys, quickly outweighed my insecurities. and it turns out he is really good at it- thankfully, and he really enjoys it (for now) and zoe appreciates both of us. but the best part is, i realized i don't care if he's better at it, or if she likes him better as a teacher. turns out, i care most about just being her mom. i care so much about being her mom- that if home schooling is getting in the way of me doing that well, maybe it needs to go. there are lots of people who could teach her- i'm her only mom.
i spent the first hour talking this out, and once i'd said it, i felt better. we didn't reach any big conclusions or make any sort of decisions- but we had a great day. and i came home and was so happy to see my kids, even and especially zoe, because today i was just her mom.
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