putting it on paper makes it real

i'm a big list maker.

it's how i order the random things flying around in my brain.  i catch them and put them on paper so they can't escape.  today the list is one of those onerous ones- it's the dreaded todo list- because the things on it have been around so long and have been ignored for so long.  this is what happens.

there are things that need to get done. i don't want to do them. so i wait.  after a few weeks i begin to notice that i'm kind of annoyed all the time- for no obvious reason - or that i have anxiety that will periodically surface wearing the face of one of those things i have to do. so i'll ignore it again for a week- which builds the baseline level of annoyance or anxiety.  at the magic point when the emotion over rides the dislike of the task- i'll sit down, put it on paper- and accomplish the task.  then i feel better.  and then it starts again.  pretty pathetic - but that is the way i go through life (only with the annoying bits). 

what classifies as a dreaded or onerous task is pretty much anything that requires or involves:
a) money
b) large bureaucratic systems
c) phone calls involving teleprompts
d) tasks that require significant research and thought, or multiple steps, so rarely result in a conclusion the first time they are crossed off the list. 
e) tasks that tangentially affect me, still float around in my head, but i have little control over (ie: require the assistance or total effort of mike)

for example-  today's list

* signifies task made much more difficult and onerous because of living either overseas or specifically in uganda

1. coffee with joellyn- (this is a good one- i like to start positive- but, it's the only one like it on the list)
2. apply for federal public service loan forgiveness program - (about as bad as you can get- see a-d *)
3. register for the internal medicine board pre-exam modules (i don't even exactly know what this means which is part of the problem- see a, b,c, and d*)
4. get medical supplies needed here for clinic - b/p cuff, stethoscope, other medications that are available locally and frequently required by patients ( d*)
5. purchase promised supplies to small girl in village to go to school (a, d, but made marginally better by goodness of task*)
6. send Christmas cards- (i know, this is ridiculous- but definitely causing anxiety*)
7. look over all possible courses in the health science department at this university and decide where to lecture and on what, then contact course director, plan lecture, etc. (d)
8. retrieve or reset old password for email at Emory (b, c*)
9. order zoe's math books (not onerous- i've just been lazy)
10. get gifts, yes, Christmas, for family to send back with Dad when see him in 2 weeks in kenya
      (i have some, just keep forgetting the rest!*)
11. order family meds from canada that are unavailable here and about to run out (a,b,c,d*)
12. get passport size photos for drivers license here (only annoying because we've done this and lost them*)
13.  create organizational system so as not to lose things like passport pictures again (d)
14.  remind mike to pay his traffic ticket so i won't get pulled over since we share the car (e)
15.  pay school fees for boys school term 2 (a- e, because of transferring funds etc.*)
16.  go to market b/c out of all essentials including toilet paper (only painful because will require several trips to several markets to find basic and essential items*)

so you can see why i've been avoiding things. and how i avoid them (note present activity). but now that i've written them down, i've made them real. rats.

and i'm the one trying to teach zoe about organization, and life skills- she might be doomed.