the orthodontist?

the other day i was driving to school with the boys and my phone rang.  for some reason, while this was often illegal in the US and it never stopped me, here, i NEVER talk on the phone and drive.  yes, partially out of fear of getting pulled over, by mostly for fear of dying or killing someone in the one second that i'm reaching for my phone and a goat jumps across the street.  but this morning, the phone was beside me and i was stopped in traffic, so i looked to see who was calling.  it was the orthodontist.  there was no reason for them to call as we just saw them, but i answered.

"hello, this is the orthodontist's office- are you with zoe?"

"hi, no i'm not with zoe, and i'm driving so i shouldn't talk on the phone." i said, sounding all good citizen-ish.

"i mean is zoe yours?"

"yes,  she's my daughter."

"well she has called us just now, crying hysterically, and she has said she was left all alone, locked in the house."

"oh dear." gone was the 'get on with it, i'm trying not to run anyone over while you're keeping me on the phone' voice, and out came the apologetic 'please don't think i'm a horrible parent' voice. "okay. thanks so much for calling, i'll call her right now."

really zoe, the orthodontist? couldn't you have just called me? or anyone else?

how she even ended up getting the orthodontists number out of mikes phone is beyond me.

the thing is in uganda leaving a 12 year old at home alone, even leaving a seven year old at home alone, with 5 little siblings to care for, isn't weird- it's normal.  but i'm sure the fact that she was going  berserk and that it was the orthodontist's office that was reached, which must have implied that several others were tried first to no avail, suggests that i am in fact a terrible mother who had abandoned her child with out a plan.  but it wasn't me!

mike is guilty.  he had gone for a run and she'd been so asleep that he'd not wanted to wake her to tell her that.  when she woke up, the house was empty and the door locked.  i don't know why this instilled pure panic in her- but it did- poor thing.  she felt trapped, and even though she probably knew where we were, the trapped feeling let her imagination run wild.

and i get that.  because when i feel trapped, that is what happens to me.  i can get a little panicky and a little crazy too, even if i know know what is real.

the most trapped i think i've ever felt was inside the giant magnet of the MRI machine in the breast imaging center.  now i've had an MRI of my head and i had several of jude when i was pregnant with him- and they aren't fun, but as i lay on my back in the small space, i felt relatively okay.  but this breast MRI was different.

first of all i had to have an IV to get the contrast injected. then i had to lie face down in superman position, with my arms over head and my breasts hanging down into these circular cut outs.  i was then strapped down so i wouldn't move, the IV tubing taped trailing down my arm, and i was given a small 'panic' button to hold in my hand as the slab i lay on, sucked me feet first, into this machine where i was told to lie completely still and follow the directions i was going to hear about when to breath.

you're going to shove me into a small space, while restrained and tell me when to breath, and you only want me to hold this button? as soon as the table started to move backwards i could feel myself starting to panic slightly- i began to sweat and feel the need to breath very deeply and very quickly.  suddenly everything itched and needed to be scratched and the thought of not moving my arms for the next hour furthered the panic.  i'd been instructed that i would be told when the contrast dye was being injected and that i might feel strange - hot or cold or tingly- but that it would pass after a few minutes.  none of those feelings sounded good to me, especially not  when you're trapped, tied down and inside of cave of a machine with no room to even move an inch- i know because i tried.

i couldn't help it.

i thought if i could wiggle just a little, i'd be reassured by the space around my limbs- surely it can't be that small a space.  it was- and as i raised my fingers up and they bumped into the wall of my cave- i felt complete panic.  but before i could push the panic button, a voice came in the machine and told me to stop wiggling.  so i responded by saying that i was pretty sure i was panicking and would need to be removed- immediately.  but the voice responded like a parental threat, "if you DO push that panic button, we'll have to start All over again."

so i started imaging the ocean, i was floating on it, the sun was shining.
"okay," came the voice, "i really mean it with the wiggling! now i'm going to inject the dye."
oh dear.  i do feel hot and tingling, or is it cold? i think i'm having an allergic reaction....and i'm trapped- oh help, i need to push the button...i can't feel my toes.. i'll just wiggle them to be sure i'm not paralyzed...
"STOP moving in there!" came the voice.
 oh how is wiggling my toes going to affect a picture of my breasts? come on. 
"are we almost done?" i needed to know.
"almost.  if you'd stop moving."

think peaceful thoughts- you are free, you are a bird, you are flying.  no i'm not. oh no.  what if there is a fire or an earthquake and i'm abandoned in here?  the machine will break, it will be stuck with me in it! and i'll die here in one of the more dehumanizing positions.  
"hold your breath."  hold my breath? i'm suffocating!
 more rapid breathing.
"just once more. then we're done."
okay i can make it.  i can be done with this and i'll NEVER do it again. 

when it was finally over and i slowly emerged from the magnet, i leaped off the table slab and hurried out to the technician.

"i thought you said you'd had an MRI before?  and aren't you a doctor?" she scowled.
what does that have to do with being trapped in that machine which defines claustrophobia?


yes, i know all about feeling trapped and the crazy that can be unleashed.  who knows, if i'd had a phone in that MRI machine, maybe i would have called the orthodontist-and begged her to call my mother too.