i'm missing my old life right now, badly, and i don't even know why. as i said to mike while crying after skyping with my parents, "i'm not unhappy, i'm just sad." which makes perfect sense to me. things are good, they are, they're really good, but sometimes it sneaks up on me, and i'm just sad.
i miss the fries and dipping sauces at leons in decatur. i miss the porches of my friends. i miss going for a walk in a pretty neighborhood and seeing families that look like me, doing the things i did when i was growing up. i miss grabbing a pizza at osteria with the kids and seeing 5 families from school. i miss zoe having a host of trained, professional adults around her who understood her brain and helped us both to live with it. i miss the women i got to know in the waiting room of the offices of those trained professionals, who also lived my life, but usually with their sons. i miss the change in weather that fleshes out the passage of time, unlike this stagnant equatorial constancy. always. the. same. i miss people calling me on the phone to talk. i miss pre-washed bagged lettuce, and the kind people at trader joes, and buying store bought gluten-free bread even if it cost $5 a loaf. i admit it, i miss the reliable taste of a starbucks latte. i miss the light changing each evening. i miss my comfortable couch and a TV and the opportunity to watch 'american idol'. i miss my local friends so much. sara can we sit on your porch and have a glass of wine? erin can we watch the kids play and eat your homemade guac and laugh? shannon can we go for a long walk? heath, can we live life together down the street? kim can we go to murphys? mom and dad can you come for dinner? bill can you come for the weekend? linds can we talk on the phone everyday?
it's not that i'm unhappy here. because i'm not. i like it here, i even love it here. but today i'm homesick. simply. so i cried a bit. i listened to music with harmonicas- that barrier breaking soulful instrument, and i got in my car and drove down to mukono to buy some lemons at the local marketplace from the lady i always by fruit and vegetables from. tried to call a friend at home to say hi, but didn't reach her, then i went to the store and bought some toilet paper because life needs to go on. at the check out counter the power went out, and the lady at the check out counter asked me how my sunday was. i told her in the dim light that it was fine, but then added that i was actually homesick. she smiled.
i wanted to tell her why i was homesick- what i missed- one thing which might have been reliable lights and expiration dates that haven't usually past. but i didn't, i smiled back. this is africa.
so i got in my car, and drove up the dirt road as the sun set, again, reliably at 7, knowing that even though i'm a little sad today, i'm not unhappy.
i miss the fries and dipping sauces at leons in decatur. i miss the porches of my friends. i miss going for a walk in a pretty neighborhood and seeing families that look like me, doing the things i did when i was growing up. i miss grabbing a pizza at osteria with the kids and seeing 5 families from school. i miss zoe having a host of trained, professional adults around her who understood her brain and helped us both to live with it. i miss the women i got to know in the waiting room of the offices of those trained professionals, who also lived my life, but usually with their sons. i miss the change in weather that fleshes out the passage of time, unlike this stagnant equatorial constancy. always. the. same. i miss people calling me on the phone to talk. i miss pre-washed bagged lettuce, and the kind people at trader joes, and buying store bought gluten-free bread even if it cost $5 a loaf. i admit it, i miss the reliable taste of a starbucks latte. i miss the light changing each evening. i miss my comfortable couch and a TV and the opportunity to watch 'american idol'. i miss my local friends so much. sara can we sit on your porch and have a glass of wine? erin can we watch the kids play and eat your homemade guac and laugh? shannon can we go for a long walk? heath, can we live life together down the street? kim can we go to murphys? mom and dad can you come for dinner? bill can you come for the weekend? linds can we talk on the phone everyday?
it's not that i'm unhappy here. because i'm not. i like it here, i even love it here. but today i'm homesick. simply. so i cried a bit. i listened to music with harmonicas- that barrier breaking soulful instrument, and i got in my car and drove down to mukono to buy some lemons at the local marketplace from the lady i always by fruit and vegetables from. tried to call a friend at home to say hi, but didn't reach her, then i went to the store and bought some toilet paper because life needs to go on. at the check out counter the power went out, and the lady at the check out counter asked me how my sunday was. i told her in the dim light that it was fine, but then added that i was actually homesick. she smiled.
i wanted to tell her why i was homesick- what i missed- one thing which might have been reliable lights and expiration dates that haven't usually past. but i didn't, i smiled back. this is africa.
so i got in my car, and drove up the dirt road as the sun set, again, reliably at 7, knowing that even though i'm a little sad today, i'm not unhappy.
5 comments:
Kris, I get this. I get sad but not unhappy. I miss you terribly and often drive down your street even if I'm not going that way. I like to wave at your house and imagine we are meeting up for red wine and heartfelt chats at Murphy's. I imagine you with beads of sweat on your brow because you walked instead of driving and me laughing thinking how "Kris" it is of you to do that. I looked at this photo and recalled that day we saw the cloud with the silver lining and both took out our phones to photograph it. The silver lining is that you aren't unhappy. So today, go ahead and feel sad. It's okay.
I miss you, too. I sure do.
xo, K.
One of the sad things about life is that whatever path a person takes, there is always a longing for the paths not taken. Hoping that the sadness doesn't last too long.
ha ha :)
thank you kim!! i can't wait to see you when i come visit!
friend in canada- thank you! today was better!
oh man...Kris!!!!!!!! i so get this, too...i feel that way about being away from chicago (i know..not the same as being across the ocean..)why is it the grass is always greener on the other side? anyway, i miss you too much..no one like you, girl!
xoxo
e
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