the front porch

the other day i wrote about my absence of a back porch. how i miss the quiet and the space that comes with life in the back yard. but i think that i misrepresented life a little- there is a good side about life lived out loud.  you're never lonely.  people abound and are happy to share their hang out time.  and, i do have a lovely front porch.

today i came home from the market- and my front porch was full.  there were my boys and several other children, and zoe having a conversation in her version of sign language with a deaf ugandan guy.  i know he's deaf, because i've met him before, on my porch, a few weeks ago.  the problem is that when i see strangers on my porch or people who are one step removed from strangers (those who were strangers before the last time they stopped by the porch) they always want something- which is almost always money.

this poses a problem.  i had a hard enough time with people begging on the street in america.  i mean i am unable to walk by with out having a massive internal conflict.  i either give, or feel terrible that i didn't give, or feel annoyed that i'm being asked to give when i just want to walk by and not have to  deal with someone else's problem, when i don't want to be possibly contributing to their problem by giving money that they can spend on alcohol or drugs. but then of course i feel terribly guilty about thinking those things.

i've run through various scenarios in my mind, trying to come up with a standard response- a plan- i want a solution- to come up with the perfect, 'what i do is...'.  i'd thought about just always giving everyone something- having dollar bills in my pocket and giving them out- with out a thought.  i'd thought about carrying around macdonalds gift certificates so at least people would have food.  once i thought about creating little care packages with clean socks, a t-shirt, granola bar, water and even enlisting my kids to make art for the final touch.  but my attempts were more about alleviating my discomfort -than helping the other person.  while appearing generous, i was really trying to find a way to ignore it nicely. to avoid thought or engagement. sometime action can remove you further.

here the situation is on steroids. instead of just walking by it on the street, it comes right up to the front door. again and again.  here when you give someone something they always come back for more. i find this surprising.  i just paid your school fees for the term and now you are coming back with a medical problem, and more school fees?  where does it end?  and we're not talking about spare change- we're talking about boarding school fees, or a hospitalization (it's much cheaper than in the US- but still).  the thing is- i've been fooled before.  fully taken.  found out later that the guy who cried about his health and his poverty and his family- had told the same story to many other people- had never gone back to the village as promised- and was drinking in town the next day.  it's hard not to become bitter about it- not to judge. it's hard to live in a place with such disparity. i want to be generous- i want to be helpful- i want to know peoples stories.

but i do want them to be real.  i want to be able to trust.

i find myself doing the same thing i did at home- wanting a standard response, or to create clear boundaries to protect myself from being duped or even from having to engage.  but that seems so rigid and removed.  florence gave me a wise piece of advice- she said the people who lived here before, only gave to people they knew.  that was their rule.  this makes sense- i know plenty of people with need, don't need to go looking for them or to wait for them to show up on my doorstep. 

i still haven't figured it out and i'm not sure i ever will.   it's holding the tension of the opposites again- allowing myself to be uncomfortable and exposed to things when i'd sometimes like to turn away. it's being flexible, but wise.  letting the moments be what they are on my front porch- letting myself be okay with saying no- or saying yes with out expectation.