mothers day love

being a mom is the greatest thing i've ever done.  it's humbling and funny and full of mystery and surprise and it teaches you about love in a deep way, deeper than you can maybe ever know otherwise.  but it's also like the army- it's the toughest job you'll ever love.  and i do and it is. 

it was a great day.  it started with mike bring me coffee and a letter- a mothers day letter.  it wasn't a card, it was a letter- plain white paper folded in half the long way with a little sketch of a woman and a baby at the end.  the best gift i can get- his words.  then we went to church. 

OK- so it wasn't all that smooth.  we had to clean the house because the people who are buying it wanted to bring their parents over to see it.  zoe needed to clean up some mess in the playroom and while doing it decided to spit or drool or some combination, on the rug.  i only know this because she came upstairs to where i was getting out of the shower and announced that she'd done something that i wouldn't want to hear about it.  but i knew i was about to hear about it anyway.

i know it's not that big of a deal- but it just felt like it was.  it's mothers day.  can't you be perfect? can't you think before you do something that a five year-old would do?  can you control impulses- just a little? just for one day?

when we got to church i had that look- that no-poker-face i'm exhausted by the essence of my life- heavy look.  i knew it because people were asking me how i was doing instead of just saying 'happy mothers day!'.  then the kids attacked each other during the 15 minutes they sit with us in the service before sunday school.  again, it's mothers day! didn't you people get the memo?  can't you hold it together for 15 minutes!  the heavy face got a little heavier but my voice sang out- trying to find that place of stillness, that place of letting it go.  i was lost in that land of: is it them? or are my expectations too high? 

by the end of the service, after much song and prayer and communion, i was better- lighter- smiling- hopeful.  we came home and i went for a run.  maybe the reason i can't run and talk with other people, is that it's my time with God.  it's my time to let him or her know how i think things are going.  sometimes that takes the form of me being really mad and sometimes it's me being really joyful and thankful and sometimes it's me being really sad.  today it was me feeling really confused.  in some ways things with zoe have become worlds better- she is engaged in a real way- she is there and she is trying.  but then there is the spitting, or the wiggly voice, or some massive regression that sends me spinning off in my own orbit.

as i ran the last mile i kept saying in my mind- i just don't know what to do?   i just don't know how to parent her?  where is the instruction manual?  and quietly, what crept back in a soft answer form was, "love".

'it can't be that easy.  i'm talking about specifics, i'm talking about certain situations.  i'm talking about spit and wiggly voices!'

'love her.  respond to her in love.  remember always that you love her.  that I love her.'

'who am i kidding- that's actually not that easy.  yeah, it's hard! it's really hard to love her in those moments!  how can i ever do that?  i fail at that all the time.  i get so mad.  i let it all out- all that yuck- that is not love.  how?  how will i ever get this right?'

'lean on me. you are not alone.'

i ran on- a little faster.  i thought about the tattoo again.  i thought that i don't need the cherry blossom on my shoulder, i need the word "LOVE" tattooed on my hand or my wrist or somewhere i can see it all the time.  i'm a slow learner- i need reminders- i need LOVE  tattooed on my heart.

then we went with the willis family, back to a place that we went to last year.   back to do that  chattahoochee hike we did almost exactly a year ago with the willis family.  the hike that was a complete disaster- the hike that was one of the worst experiences i've had with zoe.  last year she was in a place of tremendous stickiness and disconnect and i was in a place of darkness.  (see post- http://bestillandknowkw.blogspot.com/2010/04/unglued.html)  given this morning- i was worried.  to make it even more of a set up for disaster, we'd decided that we'd cross part of the chattahoochee and eat lunch on some large flat river rocks.  again, for neuro-typical kids, this is nothing but fantastic, but for zoe- who is neuro-challenged, balance-challenged, coordination and sensory challenged- this is a big feat. 

let's just say.... i was very impressed, and relieved.  she had a few moments, but they were few, and they were handled well.  she bounced back.  she had fun.  she crossed the river and walked all over the place on those slidey, slippery rocks. 

and i remembered back to last year.  i remembered where we'd been, and i felt this incredible feeling of relief, and thanks, and hope.  i watched her walking around in that cold river and i felt hopeful.  and i remembered my run, just a few hours before.  i remembered the word i was given. LOVE.

so it's in the perseverance, it's in all the little additive moments.  like my mom always said, 'raising children is like putting pennies in the bank'.  bit by bit you get there.  this day was Gods gift to me- i got a snap shot of the 30,000 foot view.  and it's all in the love.

oh help me to live in that LOVE.