i woke up at 6 am with a killer migraine. that was definitely a low point. especially because i had to go give a little talk 4 hours later. and it was painful- like i wanted to scoop out my left eyeball - painful. luckily my 16$/ pill migraine medicine kicked in, eventually.
but it left me with that post-migraine state of foggy-headedness, and a complete inability to be messed with. really. i instituted a zero-tolerance policy for the day. no whining, no stickiness, i needed them to step up to the plate. i couldn't carry things alone.
at noon i picked up two of their best friends and we all went to the pool. everyone can swim- almost. bryn just learned last week- so he needs me in the water the whole time- which was fine because it was 93 degrees outside. hot like you burn your feet getting from the pool to your towel. hot like you don't even need a towel. so i was standing there beside the pool- with out the towel and i felt little bryn grabbing my bootie.
" what are you doing bryn?" i laughed.
" i'm just pumping these parts back up." he says giggling- as if i'm deflated.
it was hysterical- in fact too funny to be a low point- but maybe i should be running right now, not writing.
then i got an email from a friend who just moved to india with her family as a missionary. she is in that place where the new excitement of living abroad is wearing off and the reality of being far from family and friends is sinking in. i had recently emailed her with an update about our uganda moving plans- it was full of logistics and the good news of how things are coming together and in her response she asked me- 'how is your heart in all this?'
it gave me pause.
how is my heart in all this? have i stopped to think about it recently? where should my heart be in all this? how do you process a change like this? i remember moving to costa rica for a semester in college and what was involved in getting ready and preparing and saying goodbyes and that was just me- and that was just 5 months!
when we moved from san francisco- i spent some time taking mental pictures- going to places i wanted to eat at for the last time- seeing friends and saying goodbye- but knowing that i'd be back soon- a few months- that we'd all talk on the phone whenever we wanted- and atlanta was familiar- i'd lived there before. but even with that- even with preparation and knowledge of the place- even with parents in the same city- i remember things "oh dear God- what have we done!" i contemplated calling the moving van and sending them back- i contemplated not showing up for the signing of our home purchase. even then i had a day of teary panic.
so where is my heart in this move? to another world- another time almost- far, far, far away- and with minimal resources to jump right back into this life i'm leaving. when i stop and think of it- my heart is beating a lot faster- it's a little scared- it's sometimes a lot scared. my heart is sad and my throat lumpy at knowing how deeply i will miss my parents, my siblings, my dear friends who sustain me and support me and feed me with their presence and their words. my heart will miss the sounds of these southern nights, the ease of living in my neighborhood, and the stability of a country where protests are allowed and even protected.
so where is my heart in this? it's curious, and excited and really, my heart is ready. ready to be surprised by it all- the hard things, the fun things, the things that will move me and grow me and transform me. my heart is ready to see the world differently again- to know a different people who live a different reality- to become part of that reality. my heart is eager to experience a life that i've wondered about for more than 20 years. my heart is ready to live out what it believes- that 'things' don't matter, that ease and comfort aren't what we're called into, that instability was a part of our history too- that i need to walk by faith, not by sight.
that is my heart- and this is a high point.
but it left me with that post-migraine state of foggy-headedness, and a complete inability to be messed with. really. i instituted a zero-tolerance policy for the day. no whining, no stickiness, i needed them to step up to the plate. i couldn't carry things alone.
at noon i picked up two of their best friends and we all went to the pool. everyone can swim- almost. bryn just learned last week- so he needs me in the water the whole time- which was fine because it was 93 degrees outside. hot like you burn your feet getting from the pool to your towel. hot like you don't even need a towel. so i was standing there beside the pool- with out the towel and i felt little bryn grabbing my bootie.
" what are you doing bryn?" i laughed.
" i'm just pumping these parts back up." he says giggling- as if i'm deflated.
it was hysterical- in fact too funny to be a low point- but maybe i should be running right now, not writing.
then i got an email from a friend who just moved to india with her family as a missionary. she is in that place where the new excitement of living abroad is wearing off and the reality of being far from family and friends is sinking in. i had recently emailed her with an update about our uganda moving plans- it was full of logistics and the good news of how things are coming together and in her response she asked me- 'how is your heart in all this?'
it gave me pause.
how is my heart in all this? have i stopped to think about it recently? where should my heart be in all this? how do you process a change like this? i remember moving to costa rica for a semester in college and what was involved in getting ready and preparing and saying goodbyes and that was just me- and that was just 5 months!
when we moved from san francisco- i spent some time taking mental pictures- going to places i wanted to eat at for the last time- seeing friends and saying goodbye- but knowing that i'd be back soon- a few months- that we'd all talk on the phone whenever we wanted- and atlanta was familiar- i'd lived there before. but even with that- even with preparation and knowledge of the place- even with parents in the same city- i remember things "oh dear God- what have we done!" i contemplated calling the moving van and sending them back- i contemplated not showing up for the signing of our home purchase. even then i had a day of teary panic.
so where is my heart in this move? to another world- another time almost- far, far, far away- and with minimal resources to jump right back into this life i'm leaving. when i stop and think of it- my heart is beating a lot faster- it's a little scared- it's sometimes a lot scared. my heart is sad and my throat lumpy at knowing how deeply i will miss my parents, my siblings, my dear friends who sustain me and support me and feed me with their presence and their words. my heart will miss the sounds of these southern nights, the ease of living in my neighborhood, and the stability of a country where protests are allowed and even protected.
so where is my heart in this? it's curious, and excited and really, my heart is ready. ready to be surprised by it all- the hard things, the fun things, the things that will move me and grow me and transform me. my heart is ready to see the world differently again- to know a different people who live a different reality- to become part of that reality. my heart is eager to experience a life that i've wondered about for more than 20 years. my heart is ready to live out what it believes- that 'things' don't matter, that ease and comfort aren't what we're called into, that instability was a part of our history too- that i need to walk by faith, not by sight.
that is my heart- and this is a high point.
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