last day lessons

it's a really good thing that today was december 31st and not january 1- because of all my thousand little resolutions- i broke most of them before noon- and had to lean heavily on practicing forgiveness (for myself), and then out of pure desperation- i went for a run.  i ran because my engine was out of whack. because i was being mean and setting a bad example.  because i was asking everyone around me to do the things i was incapable of doing- which was being kind and loving and patient.  it was the first run in a long time- and as usual, it felt really bad for a while and then it felt good and then my knee hurt, but i kept going.  and it worked.  i came home- reborn- ready to try again- i apologized- i smiled- and went outside with jude.

having children makes me realize how hard it is to live the way i want.  it's easy to be nice to adults- they don't whine. they don't hit each other, or call each other 'stupid' and they can entertain themselves for long stretches of time.  they don't walk in on you when you're going to the bathroom.  they shut the door when they come in from outside.  and they generally want to be helpful.  at least most adults i know.

my children right now are inside fighting- i can hear them - someone is screaming and some one else is crying.  they need to work it out- i'm not going to jump in- it's an important part of the process- learning to make peace.  sometimes i forget that my job is to focus on setting the example and then retreating.  live it and pull back.  be the backdrop in their lives.  the safe haven to run to.  not the ring leader.  not the entertainer. not the constant intervener. this is hard for me.  anger comes quickly and so do words.  being quiet, being still- takes patience and purpose.  i will try.  i will.

right now i'm in the middle of 4 books. i seem to need choices.  i seem to not finish what i've started before beginning something else-and it takes a while for me to get fully engaged in a book.   zoe does this too- but she often doesn't ever finish the book- and then she'll go back to it and re-read parts of it- her favorite parts- which drives me crazy.  i don't know why. i should be happy that she's reading- that she likes to read- i didn't when i was 11.  i'm  so tolerant of my own idiosyncrasies and so intolerant of others. i see it as another manifestation of her distraction and assume it contributes to her inability to grasp the big picture. i fear she sees little snippets of life and misses the context- so i want her to just finish the book she started.  it will happen- i need to trust her more and live less anxiously.  

right now i'm slowly reading 'the poisonwood bible' and 'third culture kids'. both are in preparation for living in east africa with kids. this is my second stab at the poisonwood bible- so i'm determined to finish it.   i'm almost done with 'the dirty life' that mike gave me for Christmas (it's about love and farming and life changes).  i'm waiting to hear more about her love and struggle with this man who she left manhattan for, to wake up at 4am and shovel manure with; and less about the difference between types of cows and how to build a pigpen.  and i just started re-reading anne lamotts 'bird by bird'- about writing and living.  i love her.  she's not afraid to be honest- and if she is afraid, she chooses to be honest anyway.  it's inspiring.  i love these pieces i read last night, "writing can give you what having a baby can give you: it can get you to start paying attention, can help you to soften, can wake you up."  "writing motivates you  to look closely at life as it lurches by and tramps around you." 

these things are true. and i'm so thankful.  thankful for my children who do teach me to pay attention- to become a better person, to soften, and to grow.  thankful that writing helps me to process it,  learn from it and engage deeper in my life as it pitters and speeds by.  

thank you for listening this year.