1,000 little resolutions after all

the house is quiet, the guests have gone, the sky is pale.  there is that empty feeling - of readjusting - when the space that was filled is now drained of visiting people and their voices.  and while you're actually left with what you started with, there is now a sense of void.   and christmas is over, the tree is drooping, there are needles on the floor- it looks tired- like it's asking for the ornaments to be pulled of and put away until next year.  but it will have to wait another day- because i need it's little white lights while i readjust, and it's piney scent.

next year.  we're in that in-between week. the week of endings and beginnings.  a time of wrap up and preparation- to process and to plan. a kind of empty and excited feeling.  i'm not a big new years person. i don't like to stay up late- i don't like champagne, and i don't make new years resolutions.  i think a year is too long- and my attention span too short.  i currently don't have any habits i need to kick, no weight to lose, if anything, i need to gain some weight, of course i could exercise more- but i'm honestly not that determined.  and i'm usually too stuck in processing to get my act together by new years to have formed a plan. or i have a million plans- because i know my short comings- well, most of them.

a resolution is a formal expression or opinion, a determination.  this year i do have a tangible, concrete goal- to get to Uganda. saying that, writing that, is a formal expression of a determination- but how it will actually happen is a big mystery. even what needs to happen to get there is a bit of mystery- what needs to happen in me.  so i'm actually left with the same things i'm always left with- me trying to be still- me leaning on God-me relearning the same lessons i'm always learning- about patience and kindness, gentleness, not being angry, forgiving, trusting, hoping and persevering.  and this is why i don't make new years resolutions- because i have daily resolutions, maybe even hourly sometimes. a year is too big a chunk. i'm intimidated- like approaching a long book.

i do want to play more and to laugh more.  i want to live more in the moment and less off a todo list. i want to think about others more- and to live that in action- to show it - both to the people who's lives touch mine- and the people of the world, in the choices i make.  to live more mindfully. to pay attention. to walk more and drive less.  to separate the paper and plastic reliably. to consume less stuff.  to give things away to people who need them more and not replace them. to ask other people how they're doing and be less concerned with my issues. to wear another sweater and turn the heat down in the winter, and embrace the sweaty heat of the georgia summer with a fan and lemonade instead of air conditioning. to not buy shoes because they're cute- when i don't need them (at all).  to have more conversations and less computer time.  to write notes of encouragement. to not yell. to dance and sing with my kids and be goofy and enjoy their goofiness. to let go.  to let go of my control over things.  to let go.

one of my birthday presents from mike was a golden circle with the letter "Z", to join the M, J, B on my necklace.  when he gave me the letters for the boys, they were out of "Z"s- and i wore the little bird for her.  i love that i'm starting the new year with everyone together around my neck- not her parsed off requiring her own separate symbol and story. that is a good start. this year i want to maintain myself apart from zoe, to not let her challenges consume me, to not live in her issues. to let her her go.

so i want to get up everyday of this new year, and remember all these things. i want to live in the challenge of it. to practice life, as i practice medicine.  and to get back up after i fall down, as i will, as i do.