december

december is my favorite month of the year. christmas time and my birthday and lots of little white lights and sometimes snow and people in general are supposed to be happy. it's also reliable- the music, the colors, the themes, the decoration- it's always the same.  and there is comfort in that reliability.  it's sort of soothing in a rapidly changing time.

december is a month of preparation and reflection- whatever religious background- because it's the end of the year and almost a new one. and when things end- people tend to think back and review- it's a softer time- often a time of forgiveness and reconciliation and honesty. a time when people may give each other a break when they might not if it were june.

but it can also be an especially sad time if people are lonely or overly busy or experience loss or for whatever reason, can't get into the spirit that we're supposed to be in.  because then you feel guilty on top of it.

so i've been reflecting.  this week was hard.  it felt transitional.  moving out of thanksgiving and into december.  zoe has had a rough week. transitions are harder for her, and apparently they are for me too. but we've wrestled through it. today i saw my therapist and she helped me to unpeel some things - which tends to reveal more stuff to be unpeeled- but i guess i'm moving somewhere.  we were talking about fear and blame in relation to homeschooling and homeschooling special needs kids-which for me are stuck together because i only teach zoe.  i have all this fear about how much she is or isn't learning, about whether she'll ever be able to go back to school, about if i'm helpful or harmful to her self identity.  and i worry that i'll look back and blame myself if all goes 'wrong' (and what would that even be or look like? i don't know)- i said ' if she were in a school then i could blame them' "why? why would i blame anyone?"  i guess inside, i'm a whole lot of crazy.

to blame is to push the causality of a bad outcome onto someone or something- it's also a burden on the recipient when something goes wrong.  this is black and white thinking.  a right way.  a wrong way. guilt. blame. vs. freedom from responsibility. and in this case, it implies knowledge of what a good or bad outcome would be.
is there one?
it's all much more complicated than that- it's a life- not a true / false question.  the good outcome is her health and happiness and sense of value and love for God and others.  but is it also, her ability to take an SAT test  or to get into college if she wants to? these things i struggle with- and that is OK- but they shouldn't suffocate me- they shouldn't strangle us.

we talked about energy and creativity.  i have a lot of energy and creativity but where is it being channeled?  too often it seems to be used worrying about outcomes or stressing about what we're not getting accomplished or blaming myself for failing zoe as both a mother and a teacher.   i love to engage people- to give and share energy and creativity - to exchange it- that is why i love working with patients- sharing their energy or giving some of mine- creatively problem solving with them.  and it dawned on me that i'm not very good at giving that to my kids.  so often my energy exchange with them is negative and my creativity is stifled.  with zoe it's out of fear- what if .... what if.....what if

what if i painted a picture with her and taught her to ice skate instead of doing math? ( dundunduuuuu )
would i ever allow myself the freedom and creativity to do that?  can i not stress that she doesn't know the exact dates of marco polo's travels or the detailed and depressing history of the english royalty?  (as if i knew or even know that now!- where do these 'standards' come from?)

so when i returned from the therapy appointment i challenged myself to make the afternoon different. baby steps.  it started with an apology for being psycho-mom- for spewing negative energy at her- for operating out of fear.  then we baked brownies with her littlest brother and made snowflakes for the windows. 

now it's looking more like december in my house.  soon we'll get the tree and put up the lights. and i will continue to reflect- to be honest- to reconcile and forgive-maybe mostly, myself.