patch the hole

know yourself. know what matters to you. now - live by it.

last friday was full. i had six patients in the morning clinic- several with acute needs, and i was behind on my personal agenda of things i needed or wanted to get done that afternoon at work. i had to finish a talk on homelessness and palliative care and needed a few hours at work, no interruptions- to get it done. i was going to present my research plan to a group of potential collaborators and people much more advanced than i am in the field of research.

no sooner had i sat down at the computer then i heard someone outside my office cubicle door mumbling. they sounded lost.
"can i help you?" i said through my door.
"they told me to come back here."
i opened the door - and there stood a very thin disheveled man with a giant protruding stomach holding my business card.

" Mr. R? is that you?? i've been looking for you for a month!"

mr. r is my homeless palliative care clinic patient. my only homeless palliative care clinic patient. and i'd only seen him once before. he had then gone missing, AWOL, from the homeless program. no one could find him- he didn't have a phone- and he was not in his usual places. i was convinced that he would end up dead or near dead, under a bridge. that i had failed him, because some how in our interaction, he must have become scared off- and instead of keeping his appointments and following up- he'd fled. i really had been looking for him. i mean, talking to his social worker regularly, contacting the other clinics, looking in the computer for some evidence of his whereabouts. and he had come to signify for me the problems in our system. he became the embodiment of the trouble- the flesh behind the research. how do we deliver really good end of life care to the homeless and disenfranchised? how do we coordinate their care? how do we communicate effectively? how do we really help them - with medications, symptom control, re-enter a social situation, re-connect with their families- find them a place to be- to rest- to be cared for in the last few months of life? this is my career goal- my area of interest and possibly research.
and there he was- a month later- not dead, not almost dead in the ER- but in my office, holding my card- ready for some help. he knew where to come. he had been living under a highway bridge. he hadn't been drinking. he'd lost his last place with his stuff and all his medicines. he was hungry and he'd borrowed 2 dollars to take a MARTA shuttle to the VA.
i did what seemed natural. i did what felt right. i gave him a hug. i made him some miso soup. and i let him use my cell to call his sister. and i admitted him to the hospital to take care of all his many medical and social needs at once.

i went on my trip three days later. i presented my research plans. the first day i was there- i got excited about it all. the academic world. the research ideas. but i kept thinking about mr. r. and how his return, made my day. it was so meaningful. because once again, it's the litte things that matter. it's the individual. it's not the big power point presentation or the grant or the paper in a good journal. but it's mr. r, whose family hasn't known where he is for years- finding him. it's him knowing that people care for him. that we're really not all that different. we all get hungry. we all get sick. we all need a hug.

this is what matters. ultimately.

i just started reading the book called The Hole in our Gospel writen by richard stearns,the president of World Vision. i'm only on chapter 2 and i've been crying through the whole book. (yes kim- the ugly cry). because it's what i've been longing to hear. because it's the truth. because the whole point of Jesus was and is love, redemption, social transformation, radical change. being broken by the broken and changing our lives. caring for those who suffer- all around us- caring for eachother. and the beautiful thing is, the thing that i tell my kids- the thing i remind zoe- is that we can all do this. we don't need to be doctors or architects or scientists. we just need to care, to love, and to live it. and everyone can do that.