finding the pose

today i went to yoga.
i'm the tall skinny girl in the class who can't really get into the pose. my hamstrings are tight and i'm just not that flexible. i'm the one with the borrowed el-cheapo mat and the non-lulu-lemon exercise clothes. the girl who the teacher never comments on. except once.
i was in the back of the room- last except for the wall. we were doing triangle pose. i'd been going regularly for about 6 weeks and i figured no news was good news- that if i'd been way off - someone surely would have told me. but no. today i was in a different class with a different teacher.
"ok those are some nice trikonasana's!" he says walking the room, "except-hey you in the back! bend from your hip not from your side."
i looked around- it was me.
"i know that - but my hip doesn't bend any farther."
"ok- everyone stop, gather around me and i'll show you what i'm talking about."
but no one else needed to work on their trikonasana-
"lets try it again"
" no! bend from the hip- do you know where your hips are? who's class have you been in?"
but i did know where my hips were and i even knew what he meant, it was just that i couldn't do it- i just couldn't get my body to do what i wanted it to. and the harder i tried, the harder it became and i felt like i was unraveling. it was so frustrating. and embarrassing.

that is what zoe has to deal with daily. trying to get her body to do what she wants it to. knowing the outcome, but not understanding the process to get there. or even knowing the steps but not able to get her muscles to coordinate together to accomplish the task. it would be maddening- it would make me crabby and have sticky thoughts too. i wish for one day - i could be in her skin- in her mind. i think it would change me forever. an added frustration is the lack of reliability in mastering something. last summer- when she was 9, she learned to tie her shoes. this was an incredible feat. but it was completely sporadic. there were moments when she did it quickly and with apparent ease and then she'd just not be able to - as if that path in her brain was closed for the day. this made her crazy- understandably.
"why can't i do it today when i could do it yesterday!"
and it made the rest of us live in fear of her trying hard things because there was no guarantee that even if she'd done it before- she could do it again- and we knew where that would lead. this is perhaps the hardest thing about nvld- and many other learning differences- the inconsistency that inhibits the ability to feel fully confident. eventually - after months of success- she can feel OK- but even while writing this, i'm wondering how it would go if she had to tie her shoe today?

sometimes when she can't get her body to cooperate with her mind, she'll say with teary eyes and a quivery voice, " do you know how this feels?"
and now thanks to trikonasana and the brave teacher who dared call me out, i can say, "yes! i can!" and for this little window into zoe- i'm grateful.