fairy dust

this was a good week. for me and for zoe- they usually go hand in hand. it was a week when life feels really good. when i'm filled with hope. when i see her moving on, growing up- someday leaving me.

if only we could find that magic ingredient. that fairy dust that must fall on her head some nights. what is it that makes a good week? or day? is it weather? something she ate? or didn't eat? a good night sleep? random neuro-chemistry? is it that i'm in a good place and it rubs off on her? if only i could figure that out.

we were at a function tonight-for her best friends school- up at the lake claire land trust. a wonderful hippyish land of gardens and animals and drum circles and happiness. a place that zoe knows and sometimes goes to childcare. a place where she feels safe and accepted. but tonight it was filled with potential meltdown- filled with the ingredients that tend to brew stickiness. a large social gathering with people her age- her best friend and all her best friends other friends who she doesn't know. a landmine of possible jealousy and "why didn't i know her, why can't i do that, why don't i get that joke..." there were even hula-hoops- a big motor challenge for her- a great source of meltdown. there was a time when i would have avoided this event completely. and if we went, i would have been so stressed, and uncomfortable that i wouldn't have had any fun. i would have been waiting. anticipatory fear. for her to fall to bits. for that perfect storm and the embarrassment and turmoil that follows.

but not tonight. tonight she did great. she had one little moment of frustration- but overcame it quickly. and she had fun. she danced. and she pulled away when she needed to- and found an adult to talk to - to regroup. that is amazing. being there and finding herself- knowing her take on things is different, but that different is OK.

and i was OK. i was able to let it go- to not spend every minute worried about where and how she was. not feeling the need to save her. maybe my trust in her- my allowance to just "be" is freeing to her as well as me. maybe that is the fairy dust.

while the band played and the kids ran, i went into the "clubhouse" to get some lemonade. i was feeling so thankful for the evening, the day, the week that we'd had. thankful for her, and our family, and this venue. and there on the wall was a hand painted sign. it said "Be Still and Know".

i smiled, looked up, and felt some fairy dust fall.