lemons

today i'm remembering. today is a new day. it is a new beginning. and i thank God for that. the slate is wiped clean. there will be new opportunities to be still and know. to be still and trust. to be still and listen. i like to move around a lot- being still is hard. i like to think i know- i like to figure out how to know. but today i'm remembering that i just need to be.

when i was in glen ellen for my friends 40th- we watched a bad movie- but the first line of the movie was good-
when life give you lemons, make lemonade.

last week was hard. i had stuff to do at work that was stressing me out- and that i'm sure contributed to zoe's challenged week, which then stressed me out further. that happens to us. we feed off eachother- and last week it was a downward spiral. and each little setback felt like miles back. and each mole hill felt like a mountain. and i began to question everything, again. why am i homeschooling her? i can't do this. maybe she's not learning anything. maybe this isn't what she needs. what should we do? what about the summer? and on and on. trying to know. not at all still.

yesterday was easter. i'm up in the north carolina mountains. years ago, i was sad about something (can 't even remember what) - and more sad about my lack of perspective and i was crying to mike, 'why do i always make mountains out of mole hills!" and he said "but mountains are so much more beautiful than molehills." sometimes i have to turn things into something huge- then step back and see that even in the tremendous size and with awe and even fear- life is beautiful.

so yesterday i was trying to remember. remember where we'd been. to step back and see the mountain, the beauty and how far we'd already climbed. to remember who zoe really is- underneath the sticky thoughts and easy frustration- the overwhelm and the distance that can come from that-complicated i'm sure, by pre-teen hormones. and i remembered zoe and her lemonade stand.

a few summers ago when she was 8, she'd been asking to have a lemonade stand. i had kept promising her, and she'd kept nagging me- and finally one late afternoon- i said OK. she loves coming up with an idea, and then making it happen. she loves getting all the parts together and feeling proud that she's done it. so she got a box and set it up in the drive way. she got some paper cups and ice, and we made some lemonade and went outside. our street doesn't get a lot of foot traffic- but there were some neighbors out. someone stopped and zoe gave him a cup.
"how much does it cost?" he said.
"it's free!" he gave her a quarter.
then about 15 minutes later and no more customers, zoe spied a neighbor out gardening. she decided to bring her a glass of the lemonade. i watched her walk three houses down- very carefully- not to spill. i watched her talk to the woman for a minute and then turn and come running up the hill back to our driveway. she had a gigantic grin and was shouting,
"mommy! mommy! it's working, the lemonade stand is working!!"
"what do you mean zoe?"
"it's making people happy!!"

this little girl who's been given quite a few lemons- was making lemonade. this little girl who could be so soured by it- was having a lemonade stand.
she was giving away the lemonade.
she was happy, so happy, because she was making other people happy- with her lemons- with her lemonade.

this is who zoe is- and how beautiful is that!

so today- i will live in today- i will be obedient to my call to be her mom- to love her deeply, sticky, sweetly, lemony, set back or leaps forward. today we will hike up part of the mountain - and we will see the beauty.