joy

i had a patient today in clinic who i really like. i've seen her about 4 times now. she is my age. she is dying. she comes in about every month- always calm- always together- always kind- peaceful.
a year ago, she was fine. now, her body is not- but she is- she really seems fine.
so today i asked her why.
she told me -her faith.
"in what?" i asked.
in Jesus, she said. we know so little, and the real picture is so big, we just see a small piece of it, she said. none of us know when our time is up- so live well, she said. be present- enjoy it- savor it.
so wise.
she's mastered what i keep trying to grasp- to just be- no matter what. to not let the stresses get to me so befuddled. to not be so easily enchanted by the sunshine and in despair over a bad zoe day. here is a woman who is dying when she shouldn't be. who has every right to be sad and angry and bitter, resentful, and unhappy. but she doesn't let her new reality change her person- she doesn't let her cancer, steal her joy. wow.

this week was spring break for everyone. we were home for our "stay-cation". zoe went for a sleepover one night and was gone the entire next day. so i had time with just the boys. it was so fun. i actually played with them- and enjoyed it. i know that sounds crazy, but i spend a lot of time organizing things and driving them and feeding them- but not nearly enough time - just playing. that next day when zoe was home- it was really hard. suddenly i was back in the world of sticky thoughts and hypersensitivity- and immediately i became grumpy and sad. mostly i was sad at myself for being so lame. for being so easily swayed. for allowing her mood- her challenges- her differences to dominate my mood and my person. for knowing that my response is key- i can make it better or worse, for everyone.

i remember when mike and i were going through the prenatal diagnosis with jude- we decided that no matter what the outcome, no matter how disabled he might be- we wouldn't let it destroy our joy. it was a really important decision- a commitment that we would hold each other accountable to. i'm seeing now, with zoe, that we need to make that commitment again. i see how often, i let our circumstances - our tough moments - spiral me down- eat at my joy- poke holes in it. deflate me. i leave today and zoom in to the future, terrified. i chew on all the decisions that i need to make about her and question the ones we've already made. i spend so much time in worry or dread that i miss the living it.


so i left clinic today feeling so blessed by this woman's presence. blessed by our connection and so thankful for her willingness to share her wisdom. to show me that it's possible. to remind me that joy is not happiness- it's bigger and deeper. that life can be so hard- but we are not swallowed by the badness. there is and can always be- our joy.
find it, hold on to it.