face the music

i'm happy. today was good. nothing spectacular happened. it was just a good day.
i found zoe some pink heart pants at a thrift store- old well worn and so, very soft- she wore them- even with one tag still in. we had to rush to get to piano and then math tutor (who is my saving grace- and because zoe and i have been hitting a wall lately- is now doing math several half hours each week instead of the one hour slot). then to drop the boys, then back to get her from math. we ran some errand with minimal obsessing over small items that caught her eye and came home to do school. it took an hour for her to write her list of 10 words and their definitions. this is better than yesterday (1.5 hours). the time is not a measure of her ability- it's her distractability and her stubbornness. she's done the words in 15 minutes very well- but that is rare. and i've decided, right or wrong and i'm still not sure, to make her finish them, no matter what. for the sake of learning to finish a task. that life is not always fun. that when it's hard, you still have to keep going. because that is right. today, she stopped after word 3 and wrote a letter to her dad (about 5 sentences) and tried to get out of the word list because she had written that instead. i actually considered it. it was true that she'd written quite a bit, and that part of why we homeschool is to be flexible (and isn't that what i'm always telling her to do?) and i considered the possibility of a meltdown, and my avoiding a meltdown by giving in. but i held my ground. and she did it- eventually.

a few years ago i heard a talk from a wonderful psychologist who now knows zoe well and has given me hope when i was hopeless- and she said that with "these kids" we (parents, teachers etc) often will avoid situations that we suspect might bring out a meltdown. i was totally guilty of that- and actually had never official acknowledged it. i mean, i'd avoided using the vacuum or blender. i'd started buying pre-ground coffee. i'd not told her where her glasses were, but conveniently moved them to somewhere obvious- knowing she'd want to find them with out help. and i'd answered (OK told a little white lie) that i'd seen the dog we just drove by, when i might not have fully seen it- because it was so hard for her to not have us share an experience.
"but you needed to see that dog- if i saw it, you have to see it too!" i know there is some philosophical thing going on there- some epistemologic dilemma- it can only really exist if i saw it and my mother saw it.

but i've learned that each potential meltdown is a learning opportunity in disguise. and that avoidance is not doing anyone any favors (well, honestly, except for in that moment- which i suppose does count for something :) so i've learned to face them. to be willing to walk with her into those scary threatening places. to show her that i'm not afraid. because if i am, where does that leave her? eventually i'd love for her to walk into an active grinding, blending coffee shop that's being vacuumed, while wearing fully tagged clothes, and not feel like covering her ears, yelling and running away. but how will we get there if we avoid it all the time?

so sometimes i 'let' her vacuum, and with warning, after a lot of self talk and "making peace" with the vacuum- she'll do it- even with "the loud part". she can now laugh at the blender (to help ease the stress). and just say calmly- "i hate the sound of that coffee grinder- don't you?"

so it does work- meltdowns aren't the end of the world- really, together we can face the music and there is progress, sometimes in leaps, sometimes in bits.