one nation under God

 

tonight i fell apart a bit.

it wasn't just the elections. it wasn't just zoe. it wasn't just another reminder of rose's challenging adoption. it was all of it.

it was after bible study. after reading luke talking about Jesus. after spending too much time putting together a 1000 piece puzzle of antique candy bars while my kids tried to get me to turn off the light so they could sleep. it was after they were all in bed and zoe finally stopped shouting at us that she was going to become a rebel because that is what people with disabilities do when they don't feel understood.

mike and i sat on the living room floor and i cried. a lot.

i cried because it wasn't supposed to be this way. any of it. trump wasn't supposed to win and i wasn't supposed to have a 17 year old daughter like this. because they have things in common- they both make me mad. but really what sits underneath that is a lot of sadness and fear. sadness about life as it is and fear about the future. sad about what it all means and afraid of what it could mean. and i cried some more and apologized for crying because so many people have things much worse and mike said that actually our life right now is pretty darn full of crap and that we should pray. so we did.

we asked God to show up in a big and real way. we told Him that we were done with things as they are and that He knew it because He knows everything but that it was time for something to give. we said we were hitting our limit. and i cried a lot more.

we went out side and looked at the moon and the clouds and played fetch with scout.  over our compound wall there was a party happening. we listened as people sang loudly the songs of old- the ones i grew up with in church- i cling to the old rugged cross- amazing grace- and many others. we watched the banana leaves shake in the wind and the clouds darken and those same songs sang to us. they sang us back to remembering that we are small and God is big. that we are afraid but He tells us not to fear. that we see only a part. He holds the whole. He's got the world in His hands. no matter who is president. no matter how crazy zoe seems.

when we came inside, i check facebook and found that it had simmered. it had simmered to a place of remembering too. there were posts about peace. about rising strong. about listening to each other. about the amazing-ness of our country that has a fair democratic process. about standing together and not forgetting that we are americans and americans stand for what is right even in this. that we will hold each other accountable and look for the ways that we need to bend for all voices to be heard- voices of women and minorities and those who have come from other shores and the LGBT community and even those who vote differently than we do- because we are not a people of hate or judgement- we can't do that- not in any direction- we need to have faith in our systems- we need to enter into them to make them better, not run away. we need to feel empowered and find a common language in the midst of many differences. i read words of apology for things we've done and left undone. i read words of regret and desire. words of hope. i found words of hope.

and there was God showing up. in the night air. in the words of friends. in the songs of old.

'what ever my plot thou has taught me to say- it is well, it is well with my soul!'