where

this is what i wanted. 

this place.  this quiet. these blue mountains with the light behind them on the clouds.  this space. to be with out the need.  to return to what was. what is. what is no longer my reality.  to sit on this porch, surrounded by these people, my people, those who have known me always.  those who look like me, sound like me, laugh at the same things as me.  those who returning to them after two years, feels no different then returning from a day.  this is home.  this is what i dreamed about.  what i longed for, especially when i was so tired.

i wanted to run here so that i could look back and see where i was.  so i could see my life again with new eyes.  so i could put it back in perspective.  i wanted to sit right here as the sun sets and feel it all.  i wanted to know that i am both places.  that i can love the smoke rising and drifting across this lake, these foothills, and the cool air in these mountains, and the steak i just ate.  and i can miss and long for that red dirt, all the sounds of those birds, my beautiful dark daughter and loved ones at home. my new home.

it has only been 5 days since i left uganda, but it feels like forever.  i am split and maybe always will be. part of me there, part of me here.

for a while now, i wondered how this would feel.  the returning.  the re-entering.  the stuff.  the mall.  the market.  the abundance. i had visions of breakdown and overwhelm and fears that i would be lost between places.  that i would cry in the soap aisle unable to choose between all the choices.  but it's been easy and normal and interesting and very convenient.  what's surprising isn't how hard or easy it is to be back, but that it's hard to be away from uganda.

for a while i wondered how hard it would be to leave the US, to return to africa, whether i'd have had enough time away, enough time here to regroup, to re-energize, to be ready to return.  but i'm now wondering how hard it will be to stay here when my family goes back next week. 

bryn said it so well about this life we live in two worlds.  he was crying, wanting to go home to uganda, missing his dog, his friends, his life.  then he stopped and said, "but mommy, i know when i get back home, then i'll miss all the things and the people that are here."  a wise soul.  he knows.  he's right.  we straddle these places.  we are split and torn, but so very blessed to know the different sides of a world that share one sun, one moon, one set of stars.

the mountains are quiet and deep blue now. the sky is growing dark, the air is cool.  that sun has gone from us, she is working her way around to the other side. in a few hours she'll wake up rosie and warm her day, while i am still under the night. a part of me here asleep, but dreaming of the other parts far far away.