it's 2:17 pm. i had a horrid migrainous night, and i'm in that post migraine fog, which is waaaay better than having a headache, but because of that fog, i am sitting on this couch with my arms feeling like lead, wondering what i've accomplished today and why i can't seem to get off the couch. i've accomplished two, no three things.
i managed to get rose up, fed and of to school.
i helped a friend get to the dentist for a bad toothache.
and i finally cleaned out the boys closet....one of them.
that's actually pretty good. i'll allow myself this rest, and then i'm cooking chicken, and that will be enough. because really, when you are alone, all those things you thought you'd do, all those lists you made and figured if you could only have one week with out the kids...they don't happen. well, at least not for me. instead, the time morphs and changes and i end up doing a whole lot of nothing and then wondering who i've become. i end up, napping. or i start off cleaning something and end up reading something. or i start off reading something, but then i think about how much i'd rather be talking to mike, but i can't because he's too far away and it's the middle of the night were he is, or i'm out of airtime, and now that book has completely lost it's appeal in comparison to a conversation that i can't have. yes. this is how my days go when i'm alone. when i'm with out my other half. my better half. the more sane half. or maybe it's not that he's more sane, but that you can't really be sane when you are only half of yourself.
and i don't really know how to be myself with out him, with out them. i am in large part mother of 4, and wife, and with out those roles i'm not sure what to do or how to do it. how do you cook dinner for only two people instead of 6? i'll tell you how we've been doing it.....we've been eating a lot of eggs. and what do you do with your nights?
well lately i've been creating these slideshows from my computer. they are full of pictures and music from my past- my kids as babies, my life in other cities, my life with other people, my life in other seasons, maybe lifetimes ago. i think it's my attempt at reflection and connection. my attempt to process the lifetime-ness of life. but maybe i'm also subconsciously preparing for re-entry. i'm going back to my seasons and my places and my people. i'm re-visiting what i'm about to re-visit. maybe i'm softening the blow, easing the transition, readying the system.
because it's time. it's time to go back to cities and people and other lives. it's time to reconnect with old parts and places and friends. it's time to be back with my limbs and heart and lungs and nerves- those i've lived daily life with for so many years. it's time to be complete again. it's time to put the pieces back together and see things in new light. it's time to hold on to all the goodness.
it's 10:31 pm. i'm back on this couch, about to go off to bed. and now i've done two more things,
i made some delicious chicken.
and i showed up here.
good night.
i managed to get rose up, fed and of to school.
i helped a friend get to the dentist for a bad toothache.
and i finally cleaned out the boys closet....one of them.
that's actually pretty good. i'll allow myself this rest, and then i'm cooking chicken, and that will be enough. because really, when you are alone, all those things you thought you'd do, all those lists you made and figured if you could only have one week with out the kids...they don't happen. well, at least not for me. instead, the time morphs and changes and i end up doing a whole lot of nothing and then wondering who i've become. i end up, napping. or i start off cleaning something and end up reading something. or i start off reading something, but then i think about how much i'd rather be talking to mike, but i can't because he's too far away and it's the middle of the night were he is, or i'm out of airtime, and now that book has completely lost it's appeal in comparison to a conversation that i can't have. yes. this is how my days go when i'm alone. when i'm with out my other half. my better half. the more sane half. or maybe it's not that he's more sane, but that you can't really be sane when you are only half of yourself.
and i don't really know how to be myself with out him, with out them. i am in large part mother of 4, and wife, and with out those roles i'm not sure what to do or how to do it. how do you cook dinner for only two people instead of 6? i'll tell you how we've been doing it.....we've been eating a lot of eggs. and what do you do with your nights?
well lately i've been creating these slideshows from my computer. they are full of pictures and music from my past- my kids as babies, my life in other cities, my life with other people, my life in other seasons, maybe lifetimes ago. i think it's my attempt at reflection and connection. my attempt to process the lifetime-ness of life. but maybe i'm also subconsciously preparing for re-entry. i'm going back to my seasons and my places and my people. i'm re-visiting what i'm about to re-visit. maybe i'm softening the blow, easing the transition, readying the system.
because it's time. it's time to go back to cities and people and other lives. it's time to reconnect with old parts and places and friends. it's time to be back with my limbs and heart and lungs and nerves- those i've lived daily life with for so many years. it's time to be complete again. it's time to put the pieces back together and see things in new light. it's time to hold on to all the goodness.
it's 10:31 pm. i'm back on this couch, about to go off to bed. and now i've done two more things,
i made some delicious chicken.
and i showed up here.
good night.
1 comment:
is that really YOU?? long time....
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