today i sat in church. for a long time.
because in africa church goes on for a long time.
at least it seems long to me.
two hours. so an hour longer than i'm used to- which means twice as long as i'm used to.
sometimes i'm prone to the wandering of the mind. hopefully i wander somewhere peaceful and zen like- somewhere that is related to God or finding God or listening to God - so that i can find my way back to the service. but. sometimes i go to those other places- the anti-places- places of worry and todo lists and places where my imagination runs wild and i work through various scenarios of all the possible horrible things that could happen- or i recall the HYSTERICAL 30 rock episode that i watched the night before and start to cry with that held in laughter. thankfully today, i drifted only slightly to realizing that i need to build in the pause to my days. i realized that i need to schedule in times to sit and do nothing with no one, or it just won't happen. and this was helpful.
but right after church, i needed to bake something for the 20 visitors from the US who were coming to our home to talk to mike and i about our life, and i needed to bake something else for the womens bible study at our house that night. none of the days activities included much time for a pause.
i'll be honest- i wanted a pause. i'll be honest, i didn't want to bake and i didn't really want to talk about my life- about being missionaries and moving our family over here and what we're doing and why. somedays, when you really need that space and quiet and pause- and you happen to be the kind of person with no poker face- talking to 20 people about your life- is actually- terrifying. i was afraid that i would destroy their vision of 'african missionary' i was afraid i'd trample their learning experience- and all that would come out of me would be tired and annoyed and in need.
but it was the opposite.
it was refreshing and renewing and rejuvenating. it was inspiring and connecting and life-giving. and in the midst of 20 people and lots of juice and brownies and my adorable kids running in and out of the house, through the room full of people, with the door wide open the whole time- i found the pause. i found the stillness even there- it was provided- it was given- and brought forth.
sometimes when you summarize your life you get clarity- and i did. you get perspective- and i did. you hear yourself say that you know it all takes time, and it's about relationships. you hear yourself answer questions like ' are you here forever?' and you hear yourself say 'we're here until we are given a new direction' and it makes sense. all the moments of why and how and when melted away and the simple because, i'll show you, and now- stood up.
i didn't expect to find peace this afternoon with a full house, but i did. it was good and once again- provision.
because in africa church goes on for a long time.
at least it seems long to me.
two hours. so an hour longer than i'm used to- which means twice as long as i'm used to.
sometimes i'm prone to the wandering of the mind. hopefully i wander somewhere peaceful and zen like- somewhere that is related to God or finding God or listening to God - so that i can find my way back to the service. but. sometimes i go to those other places- the anti-places- places of worry and todo lists and places where my imagination runs wild and i work through various scenarios of all the possible horrible things that could happen- or i recall the HYSTERICAL 30 rock episode that i watched the night before and start to cry with that held in laughter. thankfully today, i drifted only slightly to realizing that i need to build in the pause to my days. i realized that i need to schedule in times to sit and do nothing with no one, or it just won't happen. and this was helpful.
but right after church, i needed to bake something for the 20 visitors from the US who were coming to our home to talk to mike and i about our life, and i needed to bake something else for the womens bible study at our house that night. none of the days activities included much time for a pause.
i'll be honest- i wanted a pause. i'll be honest, i didn't want to bake and i didn't really want to talk about my life- about being missionaries and moving our family over here and what we're doing and why. somedays, when you really need that space and quiet and pause- and you happen to be the kind of person with no poker face- talking to 20 people about your life- is actually- terrifying. i was afraid that i would destroy their vision of 'african missionary' i was afraid i'd trample their learning experience- and all that would come out of me would be tired and annoyed and in need.
but it was the opposite.
it was refreshing and renewing and rejuvenating. it was inspiring and connecting and life-giving. and in the midst of 20 people and lots of juice and brownies and my adorable kids running in and out of the house, through the room full of people, with the door wide open the whole time- i found the pause. i found the stillness even there- it was provided- it was given- and brought forth.
sometimes when you summarize your life you get clarity- and i did. you get perspective- and i did. you hear yourself say that you know it all takes time, and it's about relationships. you hear yourself answer questions like ' are you here forever?' and you hear yourself say 'we're here until we are given a new direction' and it makes sense. all the moments of why and how and when melted away and the simple because, i'll show you, and now- stood up.
i didn't expect to find peace this afternoon with a full house, but i did. it was good and once again- provision.
2 comments:
travelling?
Jumped over from Dr Mannings blog awhile back and enjoy reading your posts as well. This one speaks volumes to me. Thank you. Many more days of peace and pause to you and yours
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