good bye

mike left and i cried like a baby in the arms of my sweet zoe.  i didn't mean to.  i didn't think i would.  but all i could think about was our arriving here a year and a half ago.  all i could think about was our leaving our old life together and the 15 suitcases stacked high, and the airplane and how far away it all feels.  all i could think about is how deeply i love him and how even after 18 years of marriage-  here - we are suddenly much more for each other. 

suddenly when i hugged him goodbye all that came flooding back and i couldn't let go.  suddenly the driving and the cooking and the cleaning up alone, meant nothing- because i was hugging a big part of my heart goodbye.  suddenly i felt alone- like when pa left ma in little house on the prairie and would go off to town in the dead of winter during a storm.  suddenly i wondered if i could actually do anything with out him- and then i wondered what if he never came back? what if this was it? what if something happens? what if this is the last of it? and with my head in that little spot where his shoulder meets his chest, that place i've known for so long, that place i've cried so many times before, that place i've returned too again and again, that safe place, i began to cry.

it wasn't because our car was broken into again last night, in our driveway, 4 feet from zoe's bedroom.  it wasn't because the next two days will be fuller now that i need to ge the car repaired, and deal with insurance, etc etc.

i know it's not that long. i know that it will be fine and he will return rested and with a new perspective and that he will see and hear everything twice.  but it was surprisingly hard to say that goodbye!