who am i anyway...

it's not late, but i'm exhausted in a good way. in that long day of work way.  that way where some good was done and people learned things, especially me, as i always do.

i was in luwero doing mobile clinic- my car, full of people and medical records and medications- a long ride and a day of testing for hiv, and treating those who have hiv, who've come from far away surrounding villages for treatment and health education and community.  some were very sick and some were very fine and i always spend my day wondering if i'm doing not enough or too much- where you find that line? when does giving become too easy, when does it become too hard?

tonight just now at 9:30 a woman clambered up to our porch wanting money for school fees.  we don't know her- she lives somewhere in town.  i hate to admit it, but i was annoyed.  i wanted to say, "come on lady! i'm in my pajamas! what are you doing?" i wanted to say, "didn't you notice that there is a large ugandan family gathering next door- they're awake- they're even outside- why don't you go ask them? oh right- because they're not white."

i feel like a terrible person for thinking these things and for feeling those feelings- feeling resentment, for constantly being forced to respond to the need that is all around me, for the confrontation, for the inability to hide. 

but where does it stop? when is it okay to say "no"?

this is a common topic of discussion between mike and i.  we've vacillated between setting rules and boundaries and tearing them down.  we wonder about how we should live? is it okay to 'hide' behind self prescribed boundaries- like we can only help people we know (because we can't even fully do that), or do we leave it to the moments- and see how we feel, if we are convicted?

tonight i wrestled.  i thought about Jesus- what did he do? he didn't have rules about who he helped- but then again, he was God and could see and know the entire picture of the person standing before him.  all i've got is another sob story.

i don't think there is an answer.  that would be too easy.  it's all part of the process. part of the learning. part of the personal conviction. part of the story. part of life.  sometimes you make rules and sometimes you keep them and sometimes you break them. maybe the only answer is to keep a soft heart and to keep asking.  to keep reflecting.  to keep wondering.  to keep trying.

who am i anyway?

there by the Grace of God go i.....