queen of my domain

i know i should be so grateful for house help. i know i should be thrilled to have someone everyday to do dishes and laundry and wash floors and watch the kids if i need to run out.  and part of me is thankful.

but.

these days when i am the queen of my own domain again, i LOVE it!!!

i wake up and feel free!! i wake up knowing that there is not another adult in my space- doing things that when i'm home, i feel like i should be doing.  i can be in the small kitchen with out constantly saying 'excuse me' as i reach for a coffee cup.  i can parent my kids without being watched.  there is one less adult for my children to call out to- 'florence...blah blah blah...'

i basically feel like i can breath, and think, and BE in my own home.

i know there are others much more gracious than i, more tolerant, more able to roll with it. i know there are people who would love to have help at home, who do love to have help at home- and that is fine and good because it works for them.  these are people who are much more organized that i am, who have figured it out- the system- the timing- when to be home, when not to be- when to get their coffee cup so they don't always have to ask someone to move over.  but.  i just can't.

i can't stand reading a book on the couch when someone older than me is washing windows.  i can't stand being on the computer when she is folding my underware.  but most of all- it's the energy.  it's not florence- i know this- it's anybody who i'm not related too.  the energy changes. i'm not a mom home with her kids- i'm a mom home with her kids and a full time helper doing things. 

for some reason this je ne sais quoi takes over my mental space- it clouds my mind- interferes with my ability to do work, to parent, to plan meals- to do most things.

now having house help in uganda is normal-  ugandans have house help- even not super wealthy ugandans.  it would be culturally weird for me to not have house help- not to mention- i'm employing someone who needs employment.  and like i said, it's not her, it's me.

the process of settling in cross-culturally takes a while.  we're going on a year here and i'm just now beginning to be okay with having a voice. a voice that might be different. with realizing that different isn't rude or unacceptable, it's just different.  if having florence come only 2 days a week - two of the days when i'm not at home - works, that is okay.  i am still in the process of finding myself here, in this place, this very different place.

it's been a good morning. a morning filled with space.  i've been in the kitchen alone- i've  put in a load of laundry, prepped the salad for dinner, unfrozen the chicken, found the veggies and potatoes and will soon bake something with the kids. we've read daniel and the lions den and talked about jealousy.  we've watched shark tales and are playing lego's.

now i'm going to get a cup of coffee, and i'm going to savor not saying 'excuse me'.  i might even make myself a little domestic crown- as today- i am queen of my domain.