maybe it's because zoe is about to turn 13. maybe it's because i've been listening to old springsteen, maybe it's because now when i look in the mirror i see sun spots and find myself pulling my hair into tight pigtails to remember when my face had no lines. maybe it's because social networking allows me to "be friends" with so many people from my past. maybe because i just lost a very important friend during those years. but lately, i've been thinking about the '80s, i've been thinking about what it was like to be a teenager.
what i remember is the incredible feeling of newness. the feeling of the world coming into color or focus or maybe 3-D. you grow (eventually) into a body that works like an adult, but you still want to sleep with a stuffed animal. you crave independence but don't love the responsibility that comes with it. you have all these intense emotions- love and jealousy and insecurity and a sense of being invincible. there are intense decisions to be made about friendship and time and commitment; and what to wear, and listen to, and pierce; and almost all of it revolves around understanding who you are, who you are not, and who you want to be.
there is a sense of urgency that adds to the drama. but it's really just the beginning of a long road with many paths and routes and chances to turn around. maybe it feels dramatic because it's new, or because the people ahead of you look so settled or established or decided that you assume you are on your way to an arrival of sorts.
but.
not true. thankfully not true.
those established older people? they still ask the same questions- who am i? who have i become? why am i here? where am i going?
but add in, did i do the right thing? make the right choices?
and, it's not just 'you' anymore. it's also how have my answers to those questions impacted my partner and my children.
that restlessness is part of being here. part of being alive is not being able to rest or be still. it's about the searching- the continued desire to know and be known- and to understand. we are made in the image of a God who searches, and who knows and desires to be known, but who embodies stillness, and permanence- not restless.
i know my incompleteness- i feel my waiting- my searching. i did when i was 16, and i still do now. it is a process- with many ways to try, and go, and be- thankfully, there are many chances. it's an unfolding, a continual discovery, an evolution.
maybe the difference is, when you get older and have sun spots and wrinkles and wobbly bits, you accept the unsettled feeling. you enjoy the adventure, the process, the opening. you begin to love and embrace the fact that you don't arrive. instead, you search for still moments in the chaos, for clarity, for a glimmer of the divine presence.
what i remember is the incredible feeling of newness. the feeling of the world coming into color or focus or maybe 3-D. you grow (eventually) into a body that works like an adult, but you still want to sleep with a stuffed animal. you crave independence but don't love the responsibility that comes with it. you have all these intense emotions- love and jealousy and insecurity and a sense of being invincible. there are intense decisions to be made about friendship and time and commitment; and what to wear, and listen to, and pierce; and almost all of it revolves around understanding who you are, who you are not, and who you want to be.
there is a sense of urgency that adds to the drama. but it's really just the beginning of a long road with many paths and routes and chances to turn around. maybe it feels dramatic because it's new, or because the people ahead of you look so settled or established or decided that you assume you are on your way to an arrival of sorts.
but.
not true. thankfully not true.
those established older people? they still ask the same questions- who am i? who have i become? why am i here? where am i going?
but add in, did i do the right thing? make the right choices?
and, it's not just 'you' anymore. it's also how have my answers to those questions impacted my partner and my children.
that restlessness is part of being here. part of being alive is not being able to rest or be still. it's about the searching- the continued desire to know and be known- and to understand. we are made in the image of a God who searches, and who knows and desires to be known, but who embodies stillness, and permanence- not restless.
i know my incompleteness- i feel my waiting- my searching. i did when i was 16, and i still do now. it is a process- with many ways to try, and go, and be- thankfully, there are many chances. it's an unfolding, a continual discovery, an evolution.
maybe the difference is, when you get older and have sun spots and wrinkles and wobbly bits, you accept the unsettled feeling. you enjoy the adventure, the process, the opening. you begin to love and embrace the fact that you don't arrive. instead, you search for still moments in the chaos, for clarity, for a glimmer of the divine presence.
1 comment:
When I was younger I really, really wanted freckles. I am dark, rather olive-skinned, and freckles were never going to happen. Now, when I see those spots on my hands, I refer to them as freckles, not sunspots! It works for me.
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